Hm/wk Induced Insanity
by ChocoDragon
Summary: 13, unlucky for some but a birthday chapter for this fic1 1 year old! Whooooo! This is an example of what A/S level Chemistry revision can do to your brain. He, he, he!!
1. Pt1- Squall's Bad Hair Day

DISCLAIMER  
Okay, here goes: (Deep breath)  
I do not own any people, characters, places or things associated with:  
FFVIII  
FFVII  
A comb factory  
A Kola cube factory  
A hotdog factory  
A mirror factory  
The care bears  
A can of pink spray paint  
An amplifier factory  
A blond wig  
Squall's room (I wish!)  
The tweenies  
Beanie babies  
A Barbie factory  
A drycleaning business  
Kwiksave  
  
He he... looking at that lot gives you an idea of how mad I truely am. Oh, and I'm estatic, cos although I wrote this a month ago back in December, I just got the set of 4 FFVIII action figures with Squall, Zell, Quistis and Edea for £7.50 for the whole set! He- he!  
  
Oh, yeah, and [ ] is thinking. Just in case you didn't get that.  
  
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Hm/Wk Induced Insanity pt1- Squall's bad hair day  
  
BANG! BANG! BANG!  
"Get your ass out of bed already!"  
The warm and friendly greeting was enough to knock Squall out of his deep sleep. He sat up and shot a glance at the mirror.  
"Oh, shit!" he muttered when he saw his hair. "Where's my comb?"  
"Hell-loo?" asked the voice behind the door  
[Fuck!] thought Squall. [The one morning I agree to meet the guys for breakfast, my hair looks like Selphie's dead hampster's slept in it... although I saw it coming. She was feeding it on Kola cubes and sugar... arrggh! Think, dammit!]  
"Wake up! Are you alive in there?"  
[Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!!]  
His rage building, Squall subconciously slammed his right fist through the reflective glass sheet on the wall. It shattered into countless pieces.  
"Squall? Squall, are you ok? SQUALL?!" came a voice above the others.  
"Yeah, fine" came his reply. He looked at the broken glass. [It'll take ages to clean this up, and... hey!] he thought, as he spotted the comb under his desk. [Score, baby!]. He fixed his hair and answered the door.  
"Well, it took ya long enough." Irvine said  
"Yeah, the cafeteria'll have no hotdogs left. Thanks a bunch, man." added Zell  
Selphie looked horrified "Hotdogs for breakfast?!"  
"Yeah. Always."  
"Ewwwwww! You should eat double chocolate chip ice cream with pink wafers!"  
"And she calls me bad..." Zell's voice trailed off as the group began to leave  
"Yeah, but..." Quistis looked in Squall's room and sees the broken mirror "Did you do that?"  
"Yeah." Squall replied   
"AHH!" cried Rinoa. "7 years bad luck!"  
Squall was confused "Huh?"  
"RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!"  
At Irvine's cry, the whole gang ran off, with the exception of Squall, who stood and shook his head.  
"...whatever."  
He left his room. The door hit him in the back on the way out.  
---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
After stacking it 5 times on the wet freshly- washed walkway connecting the dorm room to the main part of garden, Squall finally reached the main lobby- ring- thingy, where he was greeted by the frantic mob of the entire student body:  
Library girl with pigtail- The library's on fire!  
Irvine- G. gardens invading again!  
Zell- The hotdog supplier's gone bust!  
Quistis- Trepe groupie # 1 looked up my skirt!  
Xu- The whole CC group's Triad decks are spontainiously combusting!  
Nida- No one's flying Garden! I've lost the keys! We're gonna crash!  
Raijin- My shins are dented! Both my legs are broken!  
Fujin- (Kicks Squall) PISSED. CARE BEAR. STOLEN. RAIJIN. RAGE.  
Squall- Ouch...  
Irvine- My coat's grass- stained!  
Selphie- My dress is... erm... Irvy- stained!  
Seifer- Someone blew up Winhill!  
Cid- Norg's gonna sit on Balamb!  
Edea- Cid won't make love to me!  
Rinoa- Squall, I'm pregnant!  
Jack- I'm failing Status Junction!  
Selphie- I'm failing Sense Junction!  
Zell- The hell's Sense Junction?  
Quistis- Someone slaughtered PuPu!  
Diamond- Red XIII's tail set light to our skirts!  
Red XIII- My tail appears to have been possessed by a sentient life force with a mind of it's own!  
Club- Joker broke my sunglasses!  
Joker- T-Rexaur shredded my tents!  
Rinoa- Nida spray- painted Angelo pink!  
Angelo- Arf!  
Aeris- Cute!  
Spade- The elevator broke and fell 2 floors!  
Cloud- My wardrobe caught light! My blond plaited pigtail wig is ruined!  
ChocoDragon- I should be revising for my Chemistry test!  
Irvine- I borrowed your black nail varnish and I broke the bottle!  
Zell- I blew up your Amplifier!  
Tifa- He blew up your Amplifier!  
Seifer- My origami dinosaurs are all squished!  
Sephiroth- My Beany babies have come to life! And Iggy's stolen my Masume and is set on world domination!  
Quistis- The Inter- Sequel barrier has broken down!  
Ultimecia- I'm dead!  
Zell- 15 men have ransaked your room!  
Irvy- 15 gay men are waiting for you in your room!  
Rinoa- 15 gay men are trying to break us up!  
Selphie- The Tweenie's studio was bombed!  
Squall- TWEENIES? DEAD? JAKE? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
He collapses unconcious to the ground  
Red XIII- Ooo, that had to hurt...  
----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Squall awoke 15 mins later in the infirmary. [Shit, my head kills]  
"Take it easy, you've had a coronary. Though I've never seen it in someone your age before..." Kadowaki said  
"uuurrr" he groaned as he rolled over to the left, then cried out in pain as a spring came through the matress and dug into his side.  
"AAAHHH!" screamed Squall  
"He-He!" Selphie giggled "Enough, enough already!"  
"Sp-rungggg!"said Irvy  
"Huh?" said Squall, dazed  
"You don't have a heart condition." said Kadowaki  
"We set you up!" Selphie said "And you fell for it! All of it!"  
"Wha-?" said Squall  
"He, he, he!" said Rinoa. "I liked the wet hallway bit best!"  
"You... shitheads." said Squall  
"Sucka!" said Barret  
"Huh?" said everybody  
"Damn. Wrong set." Barret left  
"Oo-kay" Zell said  
"There's summit I wanted to say." Squall said. Everyone looked and stared in awe as Squall proceeded to respond to all of the situations thrown at him and speak for the longest period of time known to any Leonhart (that's not hard, considering there's only one. Awwwww.)  
  
(Deep breath...)  
"LGWP- Put it out for christs sake! Spit on it, piss on it, whatever!!  
Irvy- Throw Zell in there. 5 mins with that guy is enough to kill anybody  
Zell- Goto Kwiksave. They sell anything in there.  
Quistis- Staple it to your boots then  
Xu- Mug the entire population of Esthar for their decks. On second thoughts, that's an order!  
Nida- Get your ass onto the bridge before I sack you  
Raijin- By a barbie doll, rip hers off and use them  
Fujin- Kick me one more time and I'll set Selphie on you  
Irvy- Goto the drycleaners  
Selphie- Excuse me while I throw up  
Seifer- Blow up Timber then you're even.  
Cid- Put a 45ft sharp spiky TV ariel on top of Balamb hotel, then jam it up his ass and maybe we'll be able to get channel 5 for once  
Edea- Borrow Rinoa's kinky black dress and he'll go ga-ga for you  
Rinoa- Can we call it Griever?  
Jack- Make it up!  
Selphie- Steal Irvine's. On second thoughts...  
Zell- I dunno. Ask Quisty  
Quistis- Steal it's ship  
Diamond- Jump in the fountain  
Red XIII- Erm... who the hell are you??!!  
Club- Shoot him  
Joker- Sue it  
Rinoa- Sue Nida. Then spray-paint him pink. It could be funny  
Angelo- Woof to you too  
Aeris- True  
Spade- Pick up the pieces  
Cloud- Die the rest black and say you're going Gothic.   
ChocoDragon- STOP WRITING THIS FIC AND GET ON WITH IT THEN!!!  
[ChocoDragon- Oh, but it's fun!  
Squall- Okay, I'll let you off then.  
ChocoDragon- Cool!]  
Irvine- you owe me 3 gil for it  
Zell- You owe me 1000000 gil for it (Author's note- I have no idea in hell how much an amplifier costs, so dont shoot me)  
Tifa- I know!. Quit repeating what Zell says and think up your own lines for a change!  
Seifer- Make more  
Sephiroth- Set him up with Aurora, cos she fancies Iggy, and maybe he'll share his reign of terror with you and let you rule... erm... Esthar.  
Quistis- Bash up Ulti again and, maybe like time compression, it'll fix itself  
Ulti- Deal with it, Bitch woman spawn of the devil!!!  
Zell- Fix my room  
Irvine- Tell them I'll be there in 5... you did say girls, right?  
Rinoa- 15 gay men will never come between us (Awww!)  
Selphie- TWEENIES!? NOOO!!!  
  
He goes to faint again. Rinoa slaps him.  
"Thanx"  
"Squall" said Quistis "You have a good memory, but we made all that stuff up."  
"Oh. That's cool."  
"Except... erm... Squall..."  
"What?"  
"I really have lost the ignition keys to Garden."  
"Really?"  
"Really."  
Squall passed out again before his head hit the pillow.  
  
---------------------------------------------  
DUN- DUN- DUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!  
  
Has Nida put Squall in a permenant Coma?  
Will Selphie and Zell EVER learn the meaning of Sense Junction?  
Can Irvine borrow enough money to pay back Squall?  
Will Quistis and Rinoa get bigger parts?  
Will ChocoDragon fail A/S level chemistry?  
Tune in next time to.... erm.... whatever I called this... to not find the answers to these questions, cos I've already written the next 3 parts, and it ain't in any of em. So there.  
  
Oh, and I don't hate any of the cast of FFVIII or VII (Well, those that I've met, cos I'm only 10 hours into FFVII so don't tell me what happens!!) They're just oh so easy to bash! And I don't believe the Time compression thingy either, but thats another story...  
Embrace the insanity!  
Hyperactive ChocoDragon  
xx (erm, does that look kinda dodgy? Cos it shouldn't.) 


	2. Pt 2- Saturday Night With Nida

Man, isn't this chaptering thingy confusing??!! Aw, well, I'll get used to it...  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Well, technically that's not true, I have some stuff, but none of these characters, places or things. Most of them belong to Squaresoft, and last time I checked I don't own them either... hm, now there's an idea...  
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Hm/Wk Induced Insanity pt2- Saturday night with Nida  
  
Squall's streak of bad luck seemed to have subsided... for now. Nida's, on the other hand, was just beginning...  
"You lost the keys?!" Squall said with disbelief as he paced the bridge in front of Nida, Xu and Quisty.  
"Yep" Nida said  
"How... how could you...?"  
"Yeah. Now we're stuck in this hellhole that is Balamb" Quistis added  
"Balamb's a hellhole?"Xu asked  
"No" said Squall. "It's not that. My 'support the disiplinary committee, beat yourself up' keyring was on it."  
"Look, this is pointless. I don't know where they are, okay?" Nida pleaded his case. "If I knew where they were, they wouldn't be lost, would they?"  
"Grrrr..."  
Squall's growl of annoyance was cut short when Zell entered, shouting  
"Squall! Squall! Something terrible's happened!!!"  
"What, you blew up my Electric Guitar too?! It's coming out of your wages, Dincht!"  
"No, It's worse than that."  
"Irvine's turned his attention to men and is currently pegging it up here?"  
"Worse" was Zell's reply  
"What could possibly be worse than that?"  
"You didn't shut your door properly this morning. Your pet Chicobo escaped!"  
"BOCO? NOOOOO!!! He could get run over by Lapper... or worse!!! BOCO, DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOOUU!!"  
As Squall began to exit, a thought occured to Quistis  
"Hey, Squall, what about Nida?"  
Squall shouted over his shoulder "Begin the interrogation!!!"  
Nida looked shocked  
"Interrogation?"  
"He, he, he..." Quisty cackled evilly  
-------------------------------------  
  
Irvine found Squall running frantically around the main lobby, shouting "Bo-co! (Kissing noise) Here, Bocy, Bocy, Bocy!"  
"Hey, Squall, has your pet Chicobo escaped?"  
"Yes. You found him? Pl-ease say you found my little-lello-Bocy!!!"  
"Oo-kay... that doesn't discredit your cold, badass attitude whatsoever... yeah, I found him. He was in the parking lot. I tried to take him back to your room but he cried, so I took him for a walk."  
"So... he's okay?" Squall asked  
"Well, not exactly..."  
  
------------------------------------  
(Cut scene to the Bridge)  
Nida- "So remind me... why aren't you interrogating Xu too?"  
Quistis- "Cos she outranks me"  
Xu sticks her tounge out at Nida  
"Oh."  
-------------------------------------  
  
"YOU GOT MY CHICOBO STUCK IN A TREE???!!!"  
Squall's shout made the entire population of the quad slide 3ft in the direction of the door  
Irvine lept to his own defence "I couldn't stop him! He just... kinda flew!"  
"You were playing Chocobo Forest again, weren't you...?"  
"Ummm... alright, ya got me. I couldn't help it though. It's just so cute!"  
"YOU KNOW HE'S TOO YOUNG TO PLAY THE FOREST GAME!"  
"I know, I know, but... well... what's done is done. Climb up there and get him down, already."  
"The hell don't you do it?"  
"............"  
"Well?!"  
"... I'm... erm... [mumbles] scared of heights."  
"YOU'RE SCARED OF..."  
"Shush! Don't tell everyone..."  
"Okay, fine. Whatever. [shouts upwards] HOLD ON, BOCY! I'M COMING!"  
Squall climbs the tree. Irvine began giving drections.  
"Okay, he's just over to the right."  
"Erm, Irvy..."  
"What now?"  
"I'm stuck."  
"Shit."  
--------------------------------  
  
"Well, Nida, now this is getting interesting..."  
The bridge has been converted to a medieval torture chamber. Stone imatation lino covers the walls, and 4 library books have had fire cast on them and been stapled to the wall with Cid's Staplomatic (TM) as torches. Nida is tied to a chair in the centre of the room wearing nothing but his Snoopy boxers, and Quistis is pacing around the chair in full Xena- Warrior Princess garb, carrying her Save the Queen.  
"Yeah. When Xu gets back from Focus Do-It-All of Timber, we'll be sorted!"  
"Now, Nida, where did you last have the keys?"  
"I don't know... I... hey,wait! I remember a bit...  
  
  
It was Saturday night. Me and Xu decided to go on a pubcrawl around the world..."  
  
  
Quistis gave Nida a look of disbelief "A globe-trotting pubcrawl??!!"  
"Yeah, I know, it's bad, I know..."  
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? Have you ever heard that song on the end of Travis's album? You know, the one that has 3 mins of blank space before it, and because ChocoDragon's CD player can't skip within tracks, it takes YEARS to get to? Well, I always feel like shit cos no one ever calls me, ever calls, ever calls, ever bloody ever!"  
"Oh. We'll call you next time."  
"You'd better. Continue."  
  
  
"Well, we went on a round the world pubcrawl... and that's all I remember. I woke up back here with a hangover and a Balamb-Timber train ticket stuck up my nose."  
  
  
"Up your... never mind. Balamb to Timber, you say?"  
"Yep."  
"Hmmmm..." Quistis heads towards the door, when Xu enters.  
"Okay, they didn't have it in white, so I got it in pink and we need... hey, where are you going?"  
"Out" replied Quistis. "Nida's given me an idea" She headed to the elevator  
"But..." said Xu "what am I gonna do with these novelty plastic spider webs and 50 packs of Blu-Tac now?"  
She looks at Nida. Her face twists into an evil grin.  
"... Oh god."  
  
------------  
And that's the end of pt2. He- He! Okay, now this is getting ridiculous... there are now 6 parts and a plan for a 7th and I'm too slow at typing to keep up! Speed up! Speed up! Cast haste on me! (he-he!) Until next time   
Embrace the Insanity!  
Hyperactive Chocodragon  
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	3. Pt 3- 2 Chicken- Wusses and a Chicobo

I've been thinking. This isn't a fanfic, it's a thick-fic! Geddit? T-h-i-c-k- f-i-c! He- he!. But that's just impossible to pronounce, so I guess it becomes a fick fic. Then that's a fic fic, and that's just confusing. Hmmm. Shaggy33of35, Ace, order a pizza! This could be an all nighter...  
----------  
DISCLAIMER- CHARACTERS. PLACES. THINGS. MUSICALS. SONGS. DON'T OWN. DON'T SUE. (please?)  
----------  
  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity pt 3- 2 Chicken- Wusses and a Chicobo  
  
Zell was having a brilliant day. At least the way he saw it anyway. He'd spent the morning in his 3rd and 2nd favourite pastimes (pissing off Squall, and meeting the Library girl with a pigtail for lunch) and was now moving onto his favouritest pastime of all time-Lunch!   
  
The pair had already been to the cafeteria, where Zell had had to use all his self restraint not to buy out the whole of the new ultra super hip hotdogs the cafeteria had gotten in from the "Super- duper- ultra- hip- supplier" (quote) Selphie had suggested last week, and repeat making a total ass of himself like at the party when they killed Ultimecia. Hence he only brought 8 hotdogs instead of his usual customary 24. His girlfriend had suggested eating in the quad- a quiet lunch between just the 2 of them with the fresh air and short grass... YEAH, RIGHT!  
  
As they headed through the entrance, LGPW... no wait I mean, LGWP... (or is it... no, that's right... I think...) got hit in the head by a plank of wood  
  
"HEY!!" Zell said, turning with his fists raised  
"Opps! Oh sor-ry!" Selphie chimed. A large 2 by 6ft plank of wood (spray-painted in yellow sunbeam, Selphie's favourite colour) was balenced on her right shoulder.  
"The hell are you doing?" Zell asked as he lowered his fists  
"It's for the Garden Festival. NORG needs a T-board and, as there's 52 students in the costume, we need to botch one together. It's gonna be HUUUGE!! Irvy was meant to help me but I haven't seen him all day. Anyone know where he is?"  
Zell- Nope  
LGWP- No, me neither. Haven't seen him  
Selphie- Hmmm...  
  
"Hey, up here!"  
(Selphie gets hit on the head with a twig)  
Selphie- "Ouch! (Looks up) Hey, look, it's Irvy!  
Irvine- hey.  
Zell- Whatcha doin in the tree, man?  
Irvine- It's a long story...  
LGWP- We got time.  
Irvy- Well... erm...  
Squall- FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! JHUST QUIT YAKKING AND GET US DOWN FROM HERE!!!  
LGWP- Squall?!  
Selphie- (sings) Squall-and-Ir-vy-up-a-tree, K-I-S-S-I-N...  
Squall + Irvine (together) Shut it.  
Boco- Waaaark!  
Selphie- Ewwww! Boco's up there too?!  
Zell- Man, that is sick!  
LGWP- You guys are disgusting!  
Squall- Oh for the love of...  
Irvy- Look, Boco got stuck in the tree...  
Squall- YOU got Boco stuck in the tree!  
Irvine- Okay, fine... I got Boco stuck in the tree, then Squall came up to get him, then he got stuck too, so I came up, and now we're all stuck... I'm scared. It's high (looks down) ...OH GOD!!!  
Zell- He-he-he!  
Selphie- Where's my video camera?  
Squall- Don't even think about it...  
LGWP- ChocoDragon borrowed it to film her mates Scaryhairbitchwitch, Ace, Trekcaptain and Spike's Willow practicing their parts for Joseph in the form room cos they look sooo funny!! (Choccie- Hey, guys!!)  
Selphie- Bummer  
  
LGWP- Well, now that's over, shouldn't we get them down from there?  
Zell- Like, how?  
Selphie- I think it's more fun if we leave them.  
(Quistis enters, followed by Rinoa and Angelo, AKA Daft Mutt, an affectionate nickname I've given her cos she takes an ETERNITY to learn anything!!)  
Quistis- There you all are! I've been looking all over for you guys!!  
Squall- Got any leads?  
Quistis- Yeah. They went to Balamb, then on to Timber at 7:00pm.  
Squall- That's not that late  
Quistis- They were on a pubcrawl  
Selphie- And they didn't invite you?  
Quistis- Nope  
Zell- Tough break  
Quisty- Hmm...  
Rinoa- Okay, look, Squall, I've ignored this for as long as I can, but, why are you in the tree?  
Squall- Saving Boco from Irvine.   
Rinoa- Oh. That guy'll shag anything!  
Irvy- Hey! In the room here!  
Zell- He he he  
Selphie- He he he  
LGWP- He he he  
Rinoa- He he he  
Squall- He he he  
Quistis- He he he  
Boco- Waark!  
  
LGWP- Okay, well I have a shift now. Gotta go! Bye Zell (they kiss and she leaves. Awww.)  
Zell- Okay, off to Balamb!  
(They go to leave)  
Irvine- Hello?! Still in the tree here...  
Rinoa- Oh, erm, hold on a min... (She goes to pick up Selphie's massive plank of wood)  
Quistis- Rinoa, wait! Why don't you use your Sorceress powers to levitate them down from there?  
Rinoa- Hmmm...  
(She raises her left arm and flicks her wrist backwards. The 2 by 6 flys off the ground and slams into the upper branches of the tree. The trio fly out of the tree)  
  
Irvine hit the ground   
Irvy- Ouch!  
  
Boco hit the ground  
Boco- Warrrr!  
  
Squall overshot, hit the wall then landed in the fountain  
Squall- Owwwww! (Splash) OOFF!  
Quisty- Hmmm... not quite what I had in mind...  
Selphie- Are you guys coming?  
Irvine had an idea  
Irvy- Hey! Hold everything! How's about we find the exact time they left Garden so we know when they got to Balamb and not just when they left?  
Zell- My god, I think that's the best Idea you've had all week.  
Irvine- What?! I thought a 3 week holiday on the Heath Penninsula was a great idea!  
Q- I never heard about that  
Sel- Me neither  
I- Oh. Maybe it was just a dream...  
Zell- 2 good ideas in one day. Did it hurt?  
Squall- Guys! Break it up!  
Zell- Don't they keep the records in the library?  
Irvine- I dunno. I think you'd be the one to know... I mean, you've been between the shelves more often than we have...  
Zell- HEY!!! (punches Irvine)  
Irvy- I deserved that.  
Selphie- TO THE LIBRARY!!!  
  
So off they go. BUT when they get there, they're greeted by the whole Library committee standing on the desk singing and dancing (lead by LGWP, who escaped earlier)...  
  
"I got the brains   
(Point to head)  
He's got the looks   
(Bring arm down)  
He watches TV   
(Draw box in air)  
I read my books   
(They all select a book from the returns pile on the desk and throw it into the middle of the room)  
He's in the Slow- lane   
(Right arm slid from left to right)  
But he don't care   
(Shrugs)  
He's got a Tattoo on his face   
(Swipe right hand over left side of face)  
and boy, he just can't stop punching ai-r!   
(All mimic Zell's "swatting flies")  
Tattooed face,  
Just can't stop punching ai-r,  
Tattooed face,  
Just can't stop punching ai-r..."  
  
Irvine- ......On second thoughts, we'll go straight there.  
  
----------------------------------  
  
Just a little note 2 say thanx to those who are following this. Didn't think there'd be another part?! Mate, I got 7 lined up already and I'm still going! He, he, oh the joys of free Tuesdays! Oh, yeah, and a songfic coming soon... when my IT coursework's through. But 'till next time...  
  
Embrace the Insanity!  
Hyperactive ChocoDragon 


	4. Pt4- Close encounters of the little blue...

Hey, this is stupid. Very stupid. So stupid, it shold have a publc health warning attached. Hey, there's an idea... Unzipped101, put the pizza place on speed dial. This could take a few weeks...  
------------------------------------  
(In the voice of Snake, the Simpson's criminal)  
Part 4  
And nothing more  
As disclaimers go  
I don't own the show  
B-YE!  
------------------------------------  
  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity pt 4- Close encounters of the little blue kind  
  
"Elixir please!" a shrill voice said  
"Hey everyone!" Selphie exclaimed, running across the Alcrad plains "Come, look! It's PuPu!"  
Again? Squall thought to himself  
PuPu bounced up and down and blinked twice  
"Elixir please!" it said cheerfully  
Zell turned to Quistis "Do we have any Elixirs?"  
"I don't think so."  
"Hmmm..."  
PuPu wandered over to Selphie  
"Hello there, little blue thingy!"  
"Elixir, please!"  
"I'm sorry, but we don't have any Elixir" she said apologetically  
PuPu moved over to stand in front of Squall  
"What the hell do you do you want?"  
"Elixir please"  
"......"  
"Please?"  
"We haven't got any"  
"Please?"  
"We have no Elixirs"  
"Please?"  
"............."  
"Please?"  
"We have Cyanide."  
PuPu looked baffled  
"PuPu want some Cyanide?"  
"Elixir please"  
"but we don't..."  
"Elix..."  
"WE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING ELIXIRS SO PISS OFF YOU LITTLE BLUE- ASSED PRATT!!!"  
Rinoa jumped backwards in surprise at Squall's emotional outburst. PuPu froze, dropping it's card, uncertain of how to react, and scared shitless. Squall rolled his eyes and turned to leave...  
"Elixir?" PuPu asked innocently  
Rinoa jumped out of the way just in time as Squall drew his gunblade, levelled it Fated- Circle style, aiming to cleave PuPu's head off in one clean sweep. Just then, PuPu's spaceship, complete with "Honk if you like Elixirs" bumper sticker, zoomed down, pulling PuPu out of the way just in time.  
"ELIXIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" it shouted from the ship. Then it was gone.  
"OH MY GOD!" Selphie shreiked, jumping up and down and pointing at Squall "You tried to kill PuPu!!!"  
There was a brief pause as the horrified group stared at Squall in shock  
"Nice one."  
Quistis broke the silence  
"Yeah" Irvine agreed  
"That little fucker was really beginning to bug me" Zell said "askin' for this and that, what, does it think we're made of frickin' elixirs?!"  
"That would be SO funny!" Selphie giggled  
"What?" asked Irvine  
"If we were made of elixir!"  
"Oh."  
"Whatever" Squall said  
Rinoa laughed. It was funny enough that her boyfriend answered everything with "wahtever", but the cruel attempted slaughter of PuPu was just too much.  
"So like, now what?" asked Irvine  
"We could take it's card" Quistis offered  
Silence reigned (again)  
"Cool!" Selphie said, as Zell began to search the area around where PuPu had dropped it.  
Squall shrugged, sheathed his gunblade, and turned towards the town of Balamb  
"LEVEL 5!? WE SCARED THE LITTLE FUCKER FOR THAT?" Zell's shout rang out across the island  
"NO!" Selphie cried out loud "We attacked it 'cos it pissed off the characters in this parody who are incidently the property of their respective companies and their use in this fanfic is in no way authorised by the companies concerned. Any similarities to real life people or places are purely coincidental (as if you see an alien getting decapitated at the end of your street every day)"  
"What?" Irvine asked  
"Sorry. I think I got possessed by the spirit of ChocoDragon again"  
"Spirit of who?"  
"ChocoDragon."  
"Who is..."  
"The insane author. We have this whole mind possession thing going"  
"Oh, right."  
"so anyway.." Quistis said  
"Em, guys..." Rinoa said nervously  
"Shouldn't we be going now?"  
"... guys..."  
"Because if a..."  
"GUYS!!!"  
"What?!" Quistis rolled her eyes, turned around and froze.  
"Oh shit" Irvine said  
Standing in front of them was a T-Rexaur, at least 4 times their height.  
"Bleep" said Selphie  
"Ah." Said Quistis  
"Uh- Oh" said Selphie  
"Ah." Quistis said again  
"RRRRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWGGGGGG!!!" said T-Rexaur  
"Huh?" Zell looked up at the T-Rexaur  
"RAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" The T-Rexaur took one look at Zell, and legged it.  
"Are you guys coming or what?" Squall shouted over his shoulder, oblivious of the attack  
"Where are we going?" asked Irvine  
"Are- we- nearly- there- yet?" chimed Selphie  
Squall stopped. "I dunno. I forgot."  
"Balamb" said Rinoa  
"Right. Balamb." said Quistis  
"Let's go..." 


	5. Pt5- Sir Laguna and a MEEEAAAAANNNN look...

Man, I haven't done this for a while. Hmmm....  
  
I've abbrivated the names, 'cos i'm to lazy to type them all out. So there. I don't own the characters either, if you're interested...  
  
Right, that's the boring bit over, now onto the insanity!!  
--------------------------  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity pt 5- Sir Laguna and one MEANNN looking Geezard  
  
And so the gang reach Balamb...  
  
Z- Hey, can we go see my mom?  
Q- Does she still make those little cookie things in the shape of Moogles?  
Z- Yep.  
Q- Then yes.  
R- Erm, excuse me, but isn't my boyfriend in charge here?  
Sel- Who, Seifer? Didn't he switch sides?  
(Squall punches Selphie)  
Sel- Owww!  
I- Hey!! You hit my Sefie! Suffer my wrath, you bastard!!!!  
(Draws Exeter)  
Q- Hey... does anyone else... feeel... kinda... beat?(collapses)  
Sel- So... sleepy... (collapses)  
Sq- Dammit, Ellone! (collapses)  
Z- Hey! We're not on the train, yet!  
R- Well... Duh! (collapses)  
I- Oh... bugger (collapses. Exeter slams into the back of Squall's head as Irvine lands)  
  
***************************  
  
(Slideshow pt 1 plays)  
(It's the track at the start of Laguna's movie scene if you're interested)  
  
Laguna, Kiros and Ward are seen in full garb in Winhill. (somewhere in Galbadia) A familiar looking monster stands in front of them.  
  
K- That's one Meeeaaannn looking Geezard... you sure you can handle it?  
Lag- Yeah. Watch me and weep, Rookie!  
K- ..............  
Lag- Hey! That's Ward's line!  
K- Well, the least I could say was... well... nothing!  
Lag- Still, you could leave it to him. It's the only line he gets now.  
K- Okay, fine, whatever  
W- (Shakes his head)  
Lag- That's my son's line! Can't you think of anything better?!  
K- What do you want me to say? Ki-wop-o-dum-da-day or some other incomprehensible crap like that?  
W- .........  
Lag- Yeah, that'll do  
(Looks mean)  
K- And you don't even have a son yet. That doesn't happen for a few years!!!  
Lag- Hmmm...  
W- ..... (Points at Geezard)  
Lag- What?  
W- ..... (Points and waves)  
Lag- Oh, em, "Hi, Ward!"  
W- ..... (Gestures wildly. Points at Geezard 3 times)  
Lag- You can count?  
W- .....  
Lag- You wanna learn how to count?  
W- .....  
Lag- (Looks blank) You want one of those red laser light pointer thingys?  
W- (Rolls eyes)  
K- Oh, Ki-wop-o-dum-da-day...  
(Looks meaner)  
  
  
Lag- ... Oh, I get it!  
Ward looks hopeful  
Lag- You want us to go dig 3 holes in the ground in a triangle shape, and keep going until we reach Esthar, the win 3 Triple Triad cards from 3 unsuspecting passers by, then goto the store 3 times, riding 3 of those zappy- slidy platforms to get there and buy 3 grenades then come back here at 3:00 to blow up the Geezard 3 times over, then goto the pub to buy 3 drinks with 3 of those ickle cocktail umbrellas that pop up 'cos thy're SOOO cool, and will look great with my collection of 3 Esthar solier models that I MUST buy from Esthar when we got there (points at Ward) don't let me forget.  
W- (Shakes head)  
K- (Slaps Laguna in the head) 1. There are no grenades in this game.  
Lag- Oh.  
K- 2. He means the Geezard.  
Lag- .... (Looks blank)  
K- (points) THAT Geezard  
Lag- .....  
K- KILL THE BLOODY FUCKING GEEZARD!!!  
Lag- (Sudden "get it" look on his face) OH! (Looks at Ward) Why didn't you just say so!?  
W- (Does the whole hand- on- face thing Squall does)  
K- Ki-wop-o-dum-da-day!  
(Looks even meaner as it walks up to Laguna and slashes his leg)  
Lag- OOOWWWWEEEESSS!!! Kiros!! The big scary monster hurt me!!!  
K- Oh ki-...  
  
  
(Ellone enters with Raine)  
Elle- Whatcha doin' Uncy 'guna?  
(Too busy crying in a heap on the floor to notice) MUMMY!! I WANT MY Lag- MOMMY! WAAAAHHHH!!!  
Raine- What a baby  
K- You said it!  
Elle- (Approaches the Geezard) You mean nasty Geezard! You hurt Uncy 'guna! You (flicks it on the nose) are nasty.  
  
(Face drops. It looks sad.)  
K- I think it's sorry  
Raine- Ellone! You pulled your first guilt trip! Oh god! She's growing up! I'll get the camera! (leaves)  
W- ...... (smiles)  
Lag- Mommy?  
K- The Geezard's not mean now. It's okay, snookles, it's gone.  
Lag- Shut it  
Elle- (To Geezard) You wanna be my friend? And you can come home with us for dinner!  
The Geezard nodded eagerly and followed them all abck to the pub, oblivious of the existance of Raine's "101 meals you can find on the plains" cookbook...  
  
***************************  
  
Z- (Wakes up) We're back!  
Sel- Whoo-hoo!  
I- I thought Laguna was stronger than that?  
Sel- I'll be his Mummy!  
Q- Oh, brother...(sees station) Oh, shit, the train's leaving!  
Sq- .......  
R- You okay?  
Sq- Killer headache. I feel like some bastard hit my neck with an iron bar  
R- Ow.  
I- Hey, wait! (runs at train)  
Sel- Train, train, take us away...  
Z- (insists) We're not on the train yet!!!  
R- Well, duh!  
Q- NOOOOOO!!! (jumps out in front of train)  
The driver slams on the breaks  
Driver- GET OFF HTE TRACKS YOU FUCKING MANIAC!!!  
Q- I'll give you maniac! (Casts water on him. He collapses)  
I- Great, who's gonna drive the train now?  
Sel- OH, OH ME, ME, ME!!!  
Boco- Waark!  
Angelo- ARF!  
All- (Sq, Q, R, Z, and I) ...Oh god... 


	6. Pt6- TIM-BEERRRRRR!!!

I don't own the characters. Damn.   
  
Oh yeah, and I've used the abbreviations again...  
  
God, that intro sounds SOOOOOOOO boring...  
-----------------------  
  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity pt 6- TIM-BEERRRRRR!!!  
  
The train emerged into daylight  
  
R- Hey, look! (points at Galbadian plains) It's so much nicer than that dark, skanky tunnel!  
Sq- ...Hmmm...  
R- What?  
Sq- Huh?  
Q- As an expert Squall observer, I'd say he's thinking right now (put on Squall's voice) "Why didn't we bring a metal detector? Why didn't I let Quistis kill Nida? How can Garden have ignition keys when the whole thing started moving with a switch in the first place?"  
Sq- Actually no.  
Q- Oh.  
Sel- (Sings) Train, train, take us away...  
Z- (Especially when Selphie's driving)  
Sel- (still singing) Take us away, far away...  
I- (to Zell) Only if we loose the map too  
Sel- To the future we will go...  
Z- AAHHH! ULTIMECIA!!!  
(Selphie pokes her toungue out at Zell)  
I- Hey! Look! Timber!  
(Timber appears on the horizon)  
Sel- ... oh Bummer  
R- That didn't sound good  
Sel- Opps  
Q- What?  
Sel- ... erm... this may be a bad time to ask, but... does anyone know how to stop a train?  
Z- The brakes, dammit!  
Sel- Okay... anyone know where the breaks are?  
(The group stare blankly at Selphie. Suddenly they all move to look around the driver's cab)  
R- Hey, is this it?  
Q- (Comes over) Where?  
R- This big red button that says "BREAK" on it  
Q- Oh. (Shouts) Hey! We found it!   
(She presses the button. A roof support in the ceiling breaks. A large iron bar falls and hits Squall on the head)  
Sq- Ouch!  
Q- ...or maybe not.  
Z- Yo, Timber's getting closer! We're gonna miss!  
I- We could jump...  
Sq- I got an idea... let's Jump!  
I- Hey! That was my idea!  
Boco- WAARRKK!!  
Sq- Yours... mine... whatever.  
I- It was such a good idea...  
Sq- Yeah, but mine was more assertive.  
------------------  
  
(Scene- top of train)  
Q- LOOKOUT TIMBER- HERE WE COME! (Shouts + jumps)  
Z- GERONIMO!(Jumps. Lands flat on his ass.)  
I- I'm scared of HEEIIIGGHHTTSSS!!! (get pushed by Selphie)  
Sel- He- He! (jumps)  
R- Hiiii- yaaa! (jumps)  
Angelo- Arr-roooooo!! (Howls + jumps)  
Boco- Waarrk! (jumps)  
Sq- ....... (Jumps. misses the platform and lands in the wheelbarrow of some guy collecting leaves off the line)  
Q- That's what you get for not having a jumping phrase...  
-------------------  
  
The team get ready to search the town...  
  
Sq- Right. We'll split into 3 groups  
Sel- I'm with Irvy!  
I- Cool!  
Sq- Okay... search by the main gate and the hotel. Rinoa's with me so we'll take the TV station. If they were drunk, they'd like the shiny lights. Plus I wanna know when the Xena re-runs are.  
I- Awww, man! Some people have all the fun!  
Sq- Ah, but I'm in charge  
I- Hmmm... can I be in charge  
Sq- (Looks thoughtful).... No.  
I- Damn.  
Sq- So anyway... Zell and Quistis checkout this area and Timber Manics  
Z- Aw, what!? (turns to Quisty) No offense...  
Q- None taken  
Sq- Meet back here in 1/2 hour  
(all split, leaving Zell and Quisty)  
Z- Man, I hate being a reject!  
Q- Yeah. Just 'cause we're single...  
(Look at each other. Their eyes meet)  
Z- ..........  
Q- ......  
Z- Okay, that's too weird...  
Q- Right. (mumbles) Choccie, put me with him and I swear I'll get you  
(They leave)  
----------------------------  
  
1 hour later...  
Sq- Nothing?  
Z- Nope  
Sq- Nothing whatsoever?  
Sel- Nope  
Sq- Nothing whatso whatever?  
Q- Nope. But I found this Eternity disc. (Spins it) Look! It just spins for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!  
Sel- Ooooo! (comes over to look)  
Z- ...Shiny!  
R- It's so... Hypnotic...  
I- Must... look... away...  
Sq- .........  
(The group stare at the spinning disc for 5 mins, when it stops.)  
Z- Hey! I thought you said eternity!  
Q- A short 5 minuite eternity  
R- Oh.  
Sq- Now what?  
Sel- Spin it again! Spin it again!  
R+Z- NO!  
I- Oh, I don't believe it  
Sq- What?  
I- It's so damned obvious it could hit someone in the face.  
(A big brick with "Irvine's idea" written on it flys outta nowhere and hits Squall in the face)  
Sq- Ouch!!! (Holds his hand to his face to cover up his bloody nose)  
Q- Oo-kay.... Irvine...  
I- They were on a pubcrawl, right?  
Q- Yeah.  
I- So they needed alcohol, right?  
Z- Yeah  
I- So where would they go?  
Sel- Oh, Oh, Me! Me! The out of town off license!  
(Squall goes to raise his hand to his face, then realises it's already there)  
Sq- Huh?  
Z- Great! Squall gets hit, and Selphie gets brain damage!!!  
Sel+I- Hey!!!  
Q- He means the pub.  
Sel- Oh.  
----------------------------  
  
(Everybody goes to the pub)  
Bar guy- Hey! You're too young to be in here!  
Z- I, erm... we... erm...  
Q- Need alcohol to...  
R- ... disinfect his nose (Points to Squall, who's still holding his face)  
Bar guy- Fucking kids. Don't waste my time...  
I- Hey, Quisty, can't you legally buy drinks?  
Q- ... hey, yeah!  
Sq- I didn't think we were here for alcohol.  
R- Nah, but it was worth a try  
  
"HEY! I know that voice!!!"  
(Watts and Zone appear)  
Watts + Zone- Hi, Rinoa!  
R- Hey, guys  
Z- Can you do us a favour?  
Zone- Ooouuuccchhh... my stomach! (Doubles over)  
Watts- Gathering information is my specialty, Sir!  
Q- Good, cos that's what we need.  
Zone- Ouu... huh?  
Watts- Cool!  
Q- Where were you at 7:00 last night?  
Zone- Right here  
I- (Holds up right hand + puts on detective voice) Have you seen these two people?  
Watts- What people, sir?  
I- The ones in the picture  
Watts- Huh, sir? What picture, sir?  
I- (points) THAT one  
Watts- There is no picture, sir!  
I- (Tut!) Spoil my fun... I've always wanted to say that!  
Z- So anyway...  
Zone- A description might help. How old were they?  
All- ......  
Zone- Okay... how tall?  
All- ......  
Zone- Hair colour?  
Sq- I dunno. Xu and Nida didn't get any good FMV's  
R- He-He-He, suckas!  
Watts- Wait a minuite... her NAME was Xu?  
Z- Yeah. They were here?  
Zone- Oh, it all makes sense now. I just thought the guy in the sombero was pissed enough to think she was the owner of a zoo. Or a zookeeper. I couldn't tell which  
Sq- Did they have anything with them?  
Q- Like keys?  
Zone- Yep.  
Z- Did they leave them here?  
Watts- No, sir!  
R- Hmmm...  
I- Then what happened?  
Zone- They got kicked out at 9:00 when they fed the bar dog a mixture of Tequila and washing-up liquid  
R- Any clues as to where they went?  
Q- Did they say where they were going?  
I- What else did they have with them?  
Watts- Well, lets see... an inflatable Glacial eye, a tourist information guide to Dollet, a Cockatrice card, 15 bottle caps, 14 bags of Haribo, one of those seashells that goes "woooooo" when you hold it up to your ear, a digital watch...  
Zone- With internal stopclock  
Watts- ... Zone's copy of Girl-Next-Door-But-One and the sign from the station that says "Welcome to Timber"  
R- Oh. I wondered where that went.  
Sel- Ok, thanks guys! Next stop, Dollet!!!  
Zone- Oh, the trains are down. Summit about leaves on the line and a crash of a train with no driver at the city exit...  
I- Whoops...  
(Squall thumps Irvine)  
I- Ouch!  
Q- Guess we'll have to walk  
Sel- Major bummer!  
Zone- Oh, and tell them I want it back or there'll be hell to pay in the form of 15 tonnes of tomatoes and a squash racket  
Z- All for a frickin' sign?  
Q- He means the porno mag  
I- Oh. Mind if I borrow it?  
(Selphie hits Irvy round the head as they all drag him out of the door and up to the city exit) 


	7. Pt7- When the Dragon's away...

DISCLAIMER- Do I have to put one of these on EVERY chapter??!! Hmmm... K' so I don't own any of the characters of FFVIII. Unless the action figures of Squall, Irvy, Quisty, Edea and Zell count. Cos I do own them. Well, one of each anyway. I don't own the company that makes them.   
  
...Oh, man, this is getting messy...  
  
------------------------  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity pt7- When the dragon's away...  
  
I- Okay, you can stop dragging me now...  
(Zell drops Irvine)  
I- Ouch!  
R- He-He-He...  
  
6 hrs later...  
The team are 1/2 way between Timber and Dollet  
  
Sel- Owww... so... sleepy...  
Z- Man, we've been walking for hours...  
I- (Mental zzzzzzz)  
R- My legs hurt. Leg pain!  
Q- What? I don't get it. I'm fine.  
R- How DOES she do it?  
Z- High stamina  
(I raises an eyebrow)  
(Sel wacks him for it)  
Q- NO! High vit stat.  
Z- Oh  
I- ...could still be interesting...  
(R wacks him)  
I- Hey! That's Sefie's job!  
Sel- 'k!  
(Sefie wacks him)  
I- Woah! Down, ladies!  
(Q goes to wack him, then thinks better of it)  
  
They continue...  
  
Z- Right, that's it!  
Sel- I can't walk any more (drags her feet)  
Q- (Sighs) Okay, fine, if you bunch of woosies can't sort your junction out... Squall, I think we should rest here... (no answer)... erm... Squall?  
(The group look around to see their Commander's collapsed 50m behind them)  
Sq- ...pain...  
Q- Right, that settles it! (gets out a tent)  
  
Selphie and Irvine are inside the tent holding up the centre support bar. Rinoa, Quistis, Zell and Angelo have each taken a corner. Boco's discovered one of Rinoa's chocolate "therapy" bars and is currently trying to extract it from Squall's left jacket pocket  
Q- Okay, Zell, pass over the tent pegs...  
Z- I thought you had them...  
I- (from inside) Oh, they're in here!  
(Lets go of the support bar to get them)  
Sel- EEEKKKK!!! (She can't take the weight alone and the tent falls over, taking her and Irvine with it. The centre bar lands on Squall)#  
Sq- (wakes up) AHHHH!  
Boco- (Looks pissed. The chocolate's squashed.)  
Zell- (spreads hands wide) Teamwork, baby!  
R- He-he!  
Sel- (Shrieks from under the tent) EEKK!!!  
I- He, he, he...  
(Quisty wacks him with a tent peg)  
I- (Pops his head out) Hey!  
Sefie- He- he!  
Z- WOAH!  
R- Huh?  
Z- Look (points)  
  
A large... erm... thing stands in front of them  
  
Z- The hell...?  
Q- What is that?  
I- Dunno.  
Z- It's got a dodgy tree thing on it's head!  
Q- They look like TV ariels...  
Sq- Hmmm... do you think it can get channel 5?  
Sel- Channel 5?  
R- He- he! We watch the Hercules re- runs!  
Sq- And Xena.  
I- Man, that girl can beat me up anyday!  
Sel- Hmm...  
I- Well, like, shouldn't we kill it?  
Sel- Isn't that a GF?  
Sq- .........  
Sel- Hel-lloo??  
Sq- ...huh?  
Sel- This'd be the point where you say "Who cares? Lets just take it anyway."  
Sq- Oh.  
Sel- ...... well?  
Sq- What?  
Sel- SAY IT!!!  
Sq- Oh  
Sel- ...... grrr...  
Sq- What??... What?  
Q- Oh, for the ove of...  
  
(CDrag enters thru a vortex in the sky)  
CDrag- HEY! C'MON GUYS! WHAT'S THE HOLDUP??!!!  
Rin- (points) Wassat??  
Z, I and Sel- WASSUP!  
Q and Sq- Oh god.  
Rin- NO! What's THAT!  
I- Oh.  
CDrag- What? Of all the stupid... (looks at it)... erm... ah...  
Q- Well?  
CDrag- ... I dunno. Hm.  
Sel- Hey! Aren't you the author?  
I- Yeah! You should know these things!  
CDrag- Shut it.  
Sel- He-he!  
CDrag- I'll go look it up. This's bugging me now... (leaves)  
  
Q- Well, that didn't solve anything...  
Sq- ... whatever. (rubs his chest where the tent bar hit)  
Sel- I'dve thought it was blatently obvious  
I- What?  
Sel- It appears to be an unidentified mutated creature of large proportions, most likely produced by the warped mind of the author, Cid's smoking in the office and the phenomenon of Lunar Cry.  
Sq- Wha??...  
Sel- It's simple! You see... (begins scribbling quantum physics formulae into the ground with a twig)  
Q- Yeah, whatever (undoes her hair and pulls out a cigarette)  
R- Huh? Since when do you smoke?  
Q- Stuffit.  
I- AHHH! The author's left! No-one's controlling this fic! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIEEEE!!!  
Sq- He-he! You sound funny!  
Z- Oh come along now, chaps. Gramm-ar, please!  
R- (dazed) wow... that... accent... so.. sexy...  
Sel- Observe the psycological effect of an overly stressed fake english accent on the female of the species.  
Q- (gives Selphie the finger) Observe this!  
Boco- Whaa?  
Angelo- dah!  
I- OH MY GOD! ANGELO'S DAFT! BOCO'S CONFUSED! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIEE!!!  
(Angelo tries to scratch her ear and falls over)  
Q- Daft fucking mutt (tries to kick Angelo)  
Angelo- Yap! Yarooo! Yap! Yarooo! (rolls out of the way)  
Sq- Animal cruelty! Child abuse! CHILD ABUSEEE!!!  
Boco- (Looks evn more confused) Whaaar?  
Sq- mHe-he!  
R- (slides away from Zell and over to Squall) that laugh makes me so...  
Sel- Oh, the hu-man-ity!  
I- IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! THE END IS NIGH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIEEE!!!  
Q- Shut the fuck up, asshole!  
Z- Tut! Language, child, language!  
Q- Screw you (throws the lighter at Zell. It misses and hits Squall)  
Sq- He-he! I got hit!  
R- (wraps her arm around his waist) You mean, hit on!  
Q- Oh, for fuck's sake...  
Z- Now come along! Everybody speak properly please- "The rain in..." erm... what place rhymes with rain?  
  
(CDrag returns)  
Q- Pain. In the arse. Like you, muva fucker!  
CDrag- What the hell...  
I- WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! (collapses in a crying heap on the floor)  
Sel- His psycological state has been crushed!  
Sq- Hah-hah!  
R- (pushes Squall back against the cliff face) Shutup and kiss me, you mischevious devil-thing!  
A- (backflips) whooo!  
Boco- (speaks backwards) Krraaw!!!  
Z- Come on everybody! Pish-posh! All together now!...  
CDrag- WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!  
Sel- Huh?  
Z- Woah!  
Q- (notices the cigarette and throws it) what on earth?  
Sq- (his trousers catch light on the cigarette) AHHH!!! (he beats out the flames)  
R- Huh?  
Boco- Waarrk!  
Angelo- Arf!  
I- What the...?  
CDrag- I don't BELIEVE this! I leave you guys alone for 5 mins- 5 FRICKIN MINUTES!!!- and look what happens!  
Sq- (Wipes the lipstick off his face) But you lost control!  
I- Yeah!  
CDrag- I had control?  
Sel- Only over our personalities  
Q- Yeah, and only slightly, 'cos your characterisation's crappy and insanity is impossible to control.  
Z- Even with an irregularly shaped stick.  
CDrag- Oh.  
I- So what about the monster?  
Sel- ... Drumroll!... Wel, come on then!  
Q- Sorry, I left the MIDI sound effects disk at home  
Z- Rats!  
CDrag- It's a thingummydody.  
R- A what?  
CDrag- It doesn't exist. Technically. So I gave it a name. Like it?  
I- ... It's... erm...  
R- ...very...  
Sq- ...technical???  
CDrag- Cool! Right, I'm off to sell the rights to it's TT card! C-ya! (Jumps through the vortex)  
Z- I call shotgun on a copy!  
Sq- Damn...  
Q- Never mind. We'll thrash the pants off him to get it afterwards  
Sel- He-He!  
Z- Hey!  
  
Sq- Right! Shouldn't we deal with the... the... thingummy-woppy-whats-it-called first?  
Sel- Thingummydody.  
Z- Yeah, pay attention  
Sq- ... whatever.  
R- It's gone  
Q- Huh?  
R- The thingummydody. It's gone  
I- Oh. Okay then.  
Sq- Right. Lets get this tent up then  
(All look at each other)  
Q- Ah, screw it.  
I- Huh? (Does a double take)  
Q- I can't be fucked  
Z- What the...?  
Q- Kidding, kidding. God, it's so easy to mess with you guys! It's not like instructors don't get lazy too.  
(All look at each other...  
............  
............  
............  
............  
... and then collapse) 


	8. Pt8- President Batman

WHOO-HOOOO!!! I just completed FFVII on the 09/07/01! Yee!...  
...  
...  
... though I did spend the whole fight with Vincent in Death Gigas, Red XIII casting Freeze and Cloud with and Ultima materia paired with Quadra magic...  
...  
...hmmm...  
  
DISCLAIMER- I DON'T OWN LAGUNA'S CLAN. COS THAT WOULD JUST MAKE MY WEEKENDS EVN WEIRDER THAN THEY ALREAY ARE. PLUS I DON'T THINK THE TOWN WOULD APPRECIATE A MACHINE GUN WEILDING BLOKE WITH LONG HAIR. HMMM...  
  
--------------------------  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity 8- President Batman  
  
A group of Esthar officials stand in a room. Official officials. On official business in a round semi-circular room under Esthar Presidential place. In the centre stand 3 men...  
  
Official 1- With all do respect sir, what IS the point in this?  
Laguna- Aw, come on! Aren't you having fun?  
Official 1- No, not really  
Laguna- Oh, well, screw you then  
Official 2- Erm, someone remind me why we're 20ft underground in the emergency conference room again?  
Laguna- NO! NO! Not conference room! Batcave! B-A-T-C-A-V-E!!!  
Kiros- Oh. Is that why we're all dressed as comic book heroes?  
Laguna- Yep  
Ward- ......  
Laguna- Huh?  
Kiros- Ward says "Why do I have to be Dr Robotnik? Can't I be a hero not a bad guy?"  
Laguna- No, cos I can't think of any fat comic book heroes  
Kiros- Oh. And why the hell do you get to be Batman?  
Laguna- Cos it's MY batcave  
Official 2 (Spiderman)- Hah! You don't even have a funky speedy car!  
Laguna- I've got the Ragnarok... no wait, Adel's in space with that... oh great, thanks, now you've ruined it!  
Kiros- (to Ward) Remind me to promote that guy  
Ward- (Nods)  
Official 3- (Dressed as Wolverine) And sir, there is a fat comic book hero- The Incredible HULK  
Kiros- But we have no green paint  
Ward- (Gives off3 a dodgy look)  
Kiros- Oh yeah, and Ward refuses to prance around in his pants cos it's immoral. And cold.  
Ward- (Nods)  
Official 3- Oh (goes to scratch his forehead and pokes his eye out) Owww!  
Laguna- Ha-ha!  
Official 2- That's not funny  
Laguna- Screw you!  
Kiros- (Rolls eyes) Laguna, if you constantly insist on telling the whole of the Estharian senate to "screw it" I think your popularity will reduce...  
Laguna- Thank god we don't have elections  
Ward- ......  
Kiros- He says "Hyne bless Esthar!"  
Ward- (Does a double "thumbs up")  
Lag- Amen to that!  
Kiros- It was your... oh, never mind  
Official 1 (He-man)- Right, so erm, why are we here again?  
Batman- Oh, yeah! Let's get down to business! Superman!  
Kiros- I HAVE a name...  
Batman- Kiros, come on!  
Superman- (Rolls eyes) Fine... yes Batman?  
Batman- Read the mission objectives for this meeting  
Superman- What objectives?  
Robotnik- (Does Squall's hand-on-face thing)  
Batman- The ones I gave you  
Superman- When?  
Batman- (Rolls eyes) At lunch on Monday! Y'know! I brought jam sandwiches and everything! I put it in the bag with the jam and... oh...  
Robotnik- (Slaps Superman)  
Superman- Yeah, Ward, I know...  
Batman- (Corrects) NO! NOT WARD! R-O-BOT-NIK!!!  
Superman- (Sarcasically to Laguna then turns back to Ward) ROBOTNIK, I know you told me not to give jam to Laguna after the J-disaster...  
Spiderman- J-disaster? What, a big bombing or summit?  
Batman- Bombing? Ha! I can just picture Elle with a rocket launcher! (Puts on voice) Asty-la-wista uncy-guna! BOOM! Goodbye Buchubuchus! KABLAM! Take that, brussel sprouts! KPOW! Bye, bye, maths homework! PISSSHHH!  
Robotnik- (Write on paper in big black jumbo marker pen) Roast in hell, 'guna's shoes!  
Superman- (Rolls eyes) I fail to see the source of amusement in the image of a 4 yr old weilding a rocket launcher  
Batman- Aw, come on! Haven't you seen Elle play Tomb Raider? She's a demon with an M-16!  
Spiderman- YOU LET A 4 YR OLD PLAY TOMB RAIDER?!  
Batman- Yep  
(50000 miles and an alternate dimension away, the head president of ELSPA has a heart attack)  
(The blue powerpuff girl enters, followed by the other two)  
Batman- Hey, Elle! You came in costume! And you brought friends!  
Blue- Whaaa...?  
Red- Aw, quit messing with us!  
Green- Yeah!  
Superman- Huh?  
Red- We're here to sort you out!  
Batman- But... why? We've done nothing wrong!  
Blue- Impersonating heroes!  
Green- Yeah!  
Batman- Oh. But it's fun!  
Red- AND illegal. Ever heard of C-O-P-Y-R-I-G-H-T???  
Green- Yeah!  
Batman- Oh... y'know Green, you should talk to your agent, cos your lines are worse than Ward's!  
Green- ... hey YEAH!  
Red- No! Don't listen to the blasphemy!  
Blue- Yeah, so you have crap lines, but you still get £3.50 pocket money and a marshmallow in your hot chocolate at night  
Green- I GET 30P WAGES! YOU GUYS ARE SO DEAD!!!  
Red- Bleep.  
(Fight ensues)  
Batman- 5 quid on Red!  
Robotnik- ...... (writes) 15 on Blue!  
Superman- 50 on Green!  
(They all look at him)  
Superman- What? She's rage-fuelled!  
  
****************************  
15 minuites later...  
Official 1- (commentating)... and Red socks it to the Green, but she's back, she's ouutttaaaaaa reach! But there's no time to react, as Blue leaps for her with a rusty chainsaw but no- the cable doesn't reach, and shee's doooooowwwnnn! Red goes in for the kill, as Green comes behind her, but what's this? Green is being held back by a black-caped-man...  
(Everyone looks at Sephiroth)  
Sephiroth- (Shrugs)  
(They turn to Batman)  
Superman- Hey! He's holding back my fighter! Penalty kick! PENAL-TY KIIICK!  
Official 3- (Who's the umpire) Free kick to Green!  
(No-one listens. The fight continues)  
Red- Hi-ya! (Kicks Blue across the room)  
Blue- eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!  
(Blue crashes into Green as they both smack into the far wall. The wall caves in as Red goes carreering after them, and the trio fly out of sight)  
Batman- Oookay... so who won?  
Robotnik- (Writes on a huge flashcard that magically appeared outta nowhere) R-E-D  
Batman- Yeeesss!!!  
Superman- Aw, crap!  
  
And so Batman, President of Esthar, began jumping up and down on the nearby conference table, as everyone who owes him money heads to sneak out thru the door while he's not looking... 


	9. Pt9- Hyne, those were the golden days...

Woah, it's been a while, huh? See I do most of my typing in my frees @ school, and as we've been out for the summer, nothing's got typed for a while. Ahhh! Well, neway, here's pt 9 of what looks to be a 15 part...erm...thingy...and...erm...10's coming soon. I hope. And 11. When I've written it. Yeah.  
I was gonna write summit else here, but I've forgotten what. Hmm...  
DISCLAIMER- SEE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS, COS I'M TOO DAMNED LAZY TO TYPE I OUT AGAIN. SO THERE.  
------------------  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity 9- Hyne, those were the golden days...  
  
Sq- Huh?  
Sel- Hey there!  
(Squall gets up to find that he's soaked)  
Sq- ... The Hell?  
I- Well, remember we didn't put that tent up?  
Sq- Yeah  
I- Well, em, it kinda...  
Q- Let's just say we found a word that rhymes with rain  
Z- Galbadian plain  
Sel- Hey! That's cheating!  
R- (Whispers to Selphie) Shhh! It took them HOURS to come up with that!  
Sel- Oh  
Q- ...dammit!  
Z- Aw man! Now we gotta start again!  
R- (To Selphie) Gee, thanks Selphie  
Sel- Oops  
Q- Let's see... rain  
Z- ...gain  
R- A-gain  
Z- ...drain  
Q- Pain... in the arse I mean  
R- Huh?  
Q- Sorry. I think part of my alter-ego remained  
R- Oh  
Sel- So now what? I'm soaked!  
Boco- Waark!  
Q- Maybe we should just head to Dollet. The atmosphere there is so dull that we'll dry off in seconds  
I- Oh, okay then  
----------------------------  
(The gang reach Dollet)  
Z- Here we are, Dollet!  
(Selphie collapses with exhaustion)  
Sel- Leg pain! Owees!  
(The friendly dog runs over and, erm, begins to take an interest in Sefie's leg)  
Sel- Ew! Ew! Worse leg pain! Worse leg pain!  
(I raises an eyebrow)  
(R wacks him for it)  
Angelo- Grrrrrrrr....growl gr graw gr grr grr!  
(Which, had the others been able to speak dog, would have sounded something like "You two-timing double-crossing bastard!)  
Dollet dawg- Grr, gre, grr arf grr woof gr arf!  
(Which would have meant "But baby, it's not how it looks, I swear!)  
Angelo- Grr-aroooooooooooooo!  
(Which, loosely translated, means "Screw you!")  
Dollet dawg- Arf! (Meaning "Shit!", which was exactly what he was in as the killer sorceress's partner charged her rush limit break and chased the two timing canine off the edge of the docks)  
Z- Hah! Sucka!  
R- I taught her that! (Proudly) She used to chase my ex's down the railtracks and into the sea back in Timber!  
(Squall was forced to laugh at the mental image of Seifer pegging it down Mandy beach with a hyperactive vengeful canine hot on his heels)  
Boco- Waarrk! (because he hadn't said anything for a while)  
Q- So now what?  
Sq- We'll split up. Selphie and...  
I- Look, we know the drill alright?  
Sel- Know the drill? Is it friendly then?  
(Sq wacks himself in the face)  
Sel- ... because if it's a nice drill can you ask if it wants to help in the Garden Festival, cos I swear we have too much MDF and... hey... where'd everybody go?... guys?......guys?  
----------------------------------------------------------  
Squall and Rinoa head to the pub. (Being clever, I guess)  
Bar guy- GOD, you again! What did I tell you?  
R- Aren't you the guy from Timber?  
Bar guy- Yeah. Squaresoft couldn't afford to hire more than 1 bar guy, so I do it worldwide, which means that little retards like you can't sneak in.  
Sq- ...damn... look, that's not why we're here.  
Bar guy- Oh really?  
Sq- We're looking for some keys...  
Bar guy- We don't sell keys. Try the keycutters shop.  
Sq- That's not what I meant. We've lost...  
Bar guy- I don't give a rat's ass what you've lost, so bugger off and piss someone else off for a change, okay?!!!  
Sq- ... this's getting us nowhere...  
"'cuse me"  
(Sq turns. It's the transvestite bloke again)  
Tv- You like me, don't you?  
Sq- ... Not really  
Tv- Ha! You lair, you! Why do the cute ones always lie?!  
Sq- No, seriously, I don't like you.  
Tv- Oh come on! Why not?  
(Squall thought of mentioning the distasteful pink cerise sequin number with matching stilettos and blue contrast hat that looked suspiciously like a sun panel from FH, but decided to go with the more obvious answer.)  
Sq- Cos you're a bloke.  
Tv- Oh well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!   
(He rips off the blond wig and the sequin dress to reveal a tight Hawaiian T-shirt and black Bermuda shorts)   
Tv- (To R) Hi there!  
R- Don't touch me!  
Tv- Anyway you want it, baby!  
-----------------------------------------  
Irvine + Selphie walk past the outside of the grandpa's house. In the background, a familiar man in a Hawaiian shirt is seen, pegging it down the road chased by a black and brown canine  
R- (Shrieks) GET HIM!!!  
(She legs it after them, followed by Squall)  
I- Ooo-kay, then...  
(I+S enter the house. A boy sits in the centre of the room wearing a black binbag, red sunglasses and green lycra leggings)  
Sel- Hey there, little kid!  
Kid- (Whispers) hello.  
I- Look, erm, kid, I just wanted to know, have you seen any keys anywhere?  
Kid- ...no  
Sel- Oh, are your mummy and Daddy around?  
Kid- ...grandpa is  
Sel- Oh! Do you know where he is?  
Kid- ...yes  
I- Erm... where is he? Can you get him for us?  
Kid- (Leaps up) YES, FOR I AM SUPERDUDE, FIGHTER OF GALACTIC EVIL, DEFENDER OF SOLVADOR, AND HELPER OF THE HELPLESS!!!  
I- ...Aw, geez!  
(The kid heads for the door, stops and shouts at the top of his lungs)  
Kid- SUPERDUDE CALLING GRANDPA! 2 CIVILIANS WANT HELP, AND SUPERDUDE NEEDS YOOOUUU!!! (Turns to Sel + I) I'm off to save the world!!! (Leaves)  
I- (Quietly) Been there, done that...  
(The kid's Grandpa walks down the stairs)  
Grandpa- Oh god, not again! If I hear Superdud one more time...  
Sel- Dude. Super-DUDE. It's dude, right? D-U-D-E, get it? Dude. Dude. Okay?  
(I gives her a strange look)  
I- Ummm... what my little friend here is trying to say is we were wondering if you could help us...  
Grandpa- Yeah, sure! Shoot!  
(I shrugs and reaches for Exeter. Sefie slaps him, followed by a disapproving look)  
Sel- See, some friends of ours were out on a pubcrawl...  
Grandpa- Tut! Young whippersnappers!  
Sel- ...yeah...sure...well anyway they lost a set of keys...  
Grandpa- (Tuts!)  
Sel- ...(Slightly miffed) They're VERY important, and we kind of need to know if they came here 'cos we're following their trail to see if we can find where they left them and...  
Grandpa- Why, useless generation! In my day, people wore keys on a strong, sturdy chain around the neck, or some had a bit of ribbon...  
I- (Whispers to Sel) Oh, here we go...  
Grandpa- ...losing keys was considered to be stupid. Hah! I remember this one boy at school who...  
-------------------------  
1 Hour later...  
  
(Quistis and Zell are sitting on the edge of the fountain. Boco's jumping about between the jets of water)  
Z- Hah, look at him go!  
Q- He looks so cute when he's soaked.  
Z- So, like, should we look for these keys now?  
Q- (Looks thoughtful) Hmmm...okay.  
(Z+Q both finish the Sugarside chocolate milkshake they'd brought an hour ago and stood to go to the docks where they arranged to meet the others.)  
---------------------------  
(They get to the docks. No-ones there)  
Z- ...The Hell??!!  
"HEY, UP HERE!!!"  
(The duo look up to see a guy in a Hawaiian shirt clinging to the top of a telegraph pole)  
Z- Uh... hi?  
Tv- Is that...THING gone yet?  
Q- What thing?  
Tv- That...that dog!  
Z- Uh...(looks left + right)...yep!  
Tv- Phew! (Jumps down) Thanks! (Starts to walk off, then stops) Hmm...would either of you happen to be looking for a companion for the evening?  
Z- WHAT!!??  
Tv- I'm very friendly, honest!  
(Squall appears)  
Sq- HEY!!! (whistles)  
Tv- AHHHH!!!  
(Angelo appears and chases the guy back up the pole)  
Q- Huh?  
Sq- He started hitting on Rinoa  
Q- Oh.  
(Rinoa appears)  
R- Hey guys! Find anything?  
Z- Erm...no. You?  
(R shakes her head)  
Sq- Well...lets find Irvine and Selphie and see if they had any luck.  
-------------  
  
(The gang wander around the town for a while, ending up at Grandpa's house)  
Grandpa- ...and they had bronze keys, which opened the locks on the docks, but they were kind of heavy. Knew a Fastitocalon who swallowed on once. Mean beast that was...  
(Irvine and Selphie are lying against each other against one wall of the room)  
Sel- ...so...bored...sleepy...  
Z- Aw, geez!  
Sq- (Taps the man on the shoulder) Erm, excuse me...  
Grandpa- (Stops and looks @ Squall) Hello, are you here for the painting?  
Sq- Um...no... have you seen these people (shows a photo 2 very familiar garden students taken in a photo booth with a giant inflatable Glacial Eye chained to a car door with a pair of handcuffs)  
Z- Wait a min...you had a photo all along?  
Sq- Nah. (Points outside) I found it behind a dumpster.  
Q- What were you...  
(Rinoa looks skyward innocently)  
Q- ...never mind  
Grandpa- Hmm...now let me see...I had a passport photo once. I think I had it on my driver's licence. Or was it my passport...  
Sel- (Whines) No! Not again!  
I- Run! Save Yourselves!  
(Superdude returns)  
Kid- YAY! AND THE WORLD IS SAVED FROM THE EVIL CLUTCHES OF DR MEGATRON ONCE AGAIN BY SUPERDUDE! DUN-D-D-DUUNNNN!!!  
Sq- Erm...okay... (shows kid the photo) Have you seen these people recently?  
Kid- YES! SUPERDUDE HELPED THESE TWO CIVILIANS LAST WEEK! HE TAUGHT THEM HOW TO WALK AGAIN!  
Sq- (Over shoulder to Zell) Translation...  
Z- They were legless.  
Sq- (Nods in acknowledgement)  
Q- Do you know where they went next?  
Kid- YES! SUPERDUDE TOOK THEM BY EXPRESS TRAIN TO THE BIG CITY OF LIGHTS, RULED BY THE EVIL DR MEGATRON AND HIS GALACTIC ARMY!  
(Squall looks to Zell again)  
Z- Deling City  
Sq- Oh.  
Kid- THEY ARE NOW SUPERDUDE'S SIDEKICK REBEL FORCE WHO WILL VANQUISH THE WORLD OF EVIL! HELP THEM! JOIN US!  
Sq- Uh...yeah, whatever.  
Kid- WHOO-HOO!!! YEAH! NOW GO FORTH, AND RID THE WORLD OF INTERGALACTIC EVIL!  
(The gang look awkwardly at each other and turn to leave. Zell makes a "crazy" sign by spinning his right hand round his ear. Quistis delivers a sharp kick to Irvine's leg, who jumps awake and trudges out of the room, followed by a weary Selphie.)  
Grandpa- ...and my bus pass had a photograph, Hyne, those were the golden days of photography, when they did them in black and white, and colour, and always appreciate the value of a photograph, because you never know when...(rambles on to himself as the credits for pt 9 roll...) 


	10. Pt10- The Goblin of Gil

DISCLAIMER- I DO NOT OWN FFVIII OR IT'S CHARACTERS, WHICH ALL BELONG TO THE GOD THAT IS SQUARESOFT. I ALSO DON'T OWN ANY TOURIST ATTRACTIONS OF ANY KIND (UNLESS YOU COUNT A BLU-TAC MODEL OF CLOUD STRIFE AS A TOURIST ATTRACTION, IN WHICH CASE I DO OWN THAT. BUT I DON'T OWN THE CHARACTER CLOUD STRIFE, OTHERWISE I WOULDN'T BE AS SKINT AS A POT OF CHRISTMAS-FLOWERING CACTI IN SPRING). AS FOR TEAR'S POINT, ASK THE ESTHARIAN TOURIST INFORMATION BOARD AND THEY MAY SEND YOU AN INFORMATION PACK! I ALSO DON'T OWN ANY SUGAR, OTHERWISE I WOULD'NT HAVE BEEN DRINKING BLACK COFFEE THIS MORNING AS, INCEDENTLY, I DON'T OWN ANY MILK EITHER. THAT FACT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THIS FIC BUT I WOULD LIKE TO DIRECT AN OFFICIAL APOLOGY TO THE BIC BIRO THAT I DROPPED IN IT THIS MORNING. SO, UM, SORRY, FAVOURITE BIRO!!!  
  
Man, that's gotta be the longest disclaimer ever... I have waaaaay too much free time today...  
  
----------------------  
Hm/wk induced insanity 10- The Goblin of Gil  
  
The gang are 1/2 way to Deling City  
Z- Dammit, why didn't we take the train again?  
Sq- Cos we're broke.  
Z- Oh... Hyne dammit!  
R- (Whispers to Irvy) So like, I was thinking... do you think we have the slightest chance of finding these keys? I mean, we don't know where they went, how long they were there or anything!  
I- Hell, no.  
R- THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING THIS FOR???!!!  
I- All expenses paid vacation. We travel the world, and BG foots the bill!  
R- Cool!  
Q- I HEARD THAT!  
I- (gulp)  
Q- ... so who's for spending a week in the Costa-del-sol while we're at it?  
I- (phew!)  
Z- Uh, Quisty, that's not in this game.  
Q- ...ah, damn!  
Sel- Hey, yeah! And we don't get any theme parks, Chocobo racing or Motorcycle chases either! No fair!  
Sq- (Looks devious) Chocobo racing, huh?...  
-----------  
  
15 mins later...  
Z- Ready...set...GO!!!  
(Boco and Angelo speed off around the perimeter of Galbadia garden's base. Cheering and screaming is heard)  
R- Hey, where'd all these spectators come from?  
Sephiroth- (shrugs)  
Sel- Hey, where did you come from?  
I- Yeah, you keep showing up.  
Sephiroth- I guess they didn't fix that inter-sequel barrier thing yet.  
Q- Oh.  
Z- And the winner is... BOCO!!!  
(Several groans are heard from the audience. Boco jumps up and down with joy as Angelo stares at the little yellow thing in disbelief. Selphie belts out the tune of "A Great Success" with a pair of nunchucks and a sledgehammer whilst Quistis sorts out who owes who money.)  
I- So, like, how did we do?  
Q- (Looks thoughtful) Well, considering the fact that 80% of what we got in had to go on the winnings...  
Sq- ...well?...  
Q- ...we made a profit of 3 gil and a Funguar card.  
Z- 3 gil!! 20% was 3 gil!!!???  
Q- Well, maybe if Rinoa hadn't been left at the desk...  
R- Hey! That wasn't my fault! (Flicks hair over shoulder) No-one told me that we don't give refunds.  
Sq- (Does the hand-on-face thing) And who the HELL accepted a level **??** TT card anyway?  
Z- (Dancing around the field) YES! FINALLY THE CARD IS MINE! TO BE A TT MASTER IS MY DESTINY!  
R- Oh god, here we go again..  
Z- ...I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST...  
Sq+Q- (Together) Fat chance!  
Z- =:(  
Sq- %P  
Z- =:|  
Sel- )  
(:o  
)  
Sq- %s (Oh, I'm REALLY scared...)  
I- Ookay...so now what?  
Sq- Well... we're broke, in the middle of nowhere with 3 gil and a Funguar card... I think there's only one thing for it...  
(All look at him)  
Sq- ...I think we all need a part-time job.  
Z- AHHHH!!!  
Q- No wait...  
...  
...  
There. Okay, let's go.  
Sel- What?  
Q- My salary just came in  
Z- Oh right... hey yeah, how do they deliver that stuff anyway?  
Sel- The Goblin of Gil.  
(All laugh)  
Sel- No, seriously! There's a little invisible imp that flies around with peoples paychecks, delivering them to all the SeeD's worldwide.  
Z- Hah! That's the stupidest thing I've heard all day!  
Q- Except for Rinoa's...  
R- Shut it.  
Sel- Oh no! You mustn't let him know you don't believe or he'll steal something off you to compensate.  
Z- Yeah, right, and I'm the Easter Mog and... NOOO! MY TT CARD!  
Sel- Told ya!  
Z- NOOOOO-OO-OO-OOOO!!! (Breaks down in sobs on the floor)  
I- There, there (crouches down. Flashes his hand behind his back to Selphie concealing a TT card. Selphie smiles + winks.)  
  
Q- Oh bugger...  
Sq- What?  
Q- The map... I lost the map...  
(I+Z stop)  
Z- You lost the map?  
Q- Yep.  
I- She kicked it in the fucking creek!  
Sel- We're all gonna die!!!  
R- Yeah, yeah, enough with the Blair Witch project already  
Sq- ...blair...witch... (fear) oh god...  
Q- Look, this is NOT the Blair Witch project. For starters, we don't have a video camera...  
(Selphie conceals the digicam behind her back)  
Q- ... or a torch...  
(Irvine buries the "I did Tear's Point" light-up souvenir keyring fast)  
Q- ...or tents... OH MY GOD WE'RE SCREWED!!!  
All- AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
Boco- WAAAAAAAAA!!!  
Angelo- ARRRRRRRRRRF!!!  



	11. Pt11- The Deling Witch Project

DISCLAIMER- I don't own FFVIII or the Blair witch. Though it'd be sooooo cool if I did. But I don't.   
  
Thanks to Ace for the hot-dog idea!  
Hm/wk Induced Insanity 11- The Deling Witch Project  
  
(It's pitch black. A small red circle appears in the bottom right hand corner of the screen with the letters "r-e-c" written beside it. Suddenly, a torch shaped mysteriously like a "I did Tear's point" keyring comes on, showing someone's face)  
Z- Hi mom. Ok, so I've been out here for hours, it's dark, and I dunno what time it is...  
I- (From background) Look on the fucking camera!!!  
Z- Huh?... oh, right, erm... it's 12:15 and we're in this tent on the Galbadian Plains. I'm scared... really scared... there's things moving outside, earlier Squall found this... like... THING in the woods... it was kinda like a doughnut, but made of twigs and sticks and stuff and... like... then it disappeared, and we then found it again, and... oh god, it's so scary! If you're watching this, then we probably didn't make it so... um... Mom, I love you and... um... well... bye.  
(The camera goes off for a second, then comes back on)  
Z- Oh and Mom... do NOT let that rascal from next door get his hands on my Jeri Ryan posters, okay?  
(Sniggering is heard in the background)  
Z- What? She's got Class!  
Q- So THATS what you call it...!  
I- What's so wrong with Class?!... Ow!  
(Sound of someone being beaten rhythmically round the head with a pair of Nunchucks)  
(The camera goes off)  
---------  
  
10 minutes later...  
Sel- Um... animal?  
I- Nope.  
Sel- Mineral?  
I- Nope.  
Sel- ...vegetable?  
I- Um... yep.  
Q- (Points @ Irvine) RINOA!!!  
I- Woah, yeah! Man, you're good at this!  
R- HEY! That's mean! That's so mean! You... ugh, Squall, beat them up!... (looks around) Squall?...  
Sq- (Sits rocking in the corner)...oh my god... we're all gonna die... oh my god...  
R- SQUALL! HELP ME OUT HERE!!!  
Sq- ... we're all gonna die... they'll come and they'll slit our throats and cut us into pieces and...  
Q- FOR CHRISTS SAKE SQUALL, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE BLAIR WITCH!  
Sq- ...there isn't?  
Q- No, and even if there was, there's 6 of us and 1 of them  
Z- Plus we're not just a buncha Punk teenagers on a camping trip  
Q- ... we're not?  
Z- Nah... we're a buncha Punk teenagers on a MISSION! YEAH, BABY! (Begins to punch ground with every shouted word) And I am DAMNED if I am gonna get TAKEN OUT by some PUNK WITCH with a severe case of ANAEMIA cos she's too SHIT SCARED to come out in DAYLIGHT!!!  
R- (Rubs arm) Ow!  
Z- Oops sorry!  
Sel- Y'know what... Zell's right!  
I- (whispers) For once...  
Z- Hey!  
Sel- Who cares if there's a Blair Witch? We're all SeeD's...  
I- 'cept me!  
R- And me!  
Sel- Okay... we're NEARLY all SeeD's, and if we can take out Ulti, then we can take out anyone!  
Sq- ... hey, Yeah!  
I- YEAH! WE RULE!  
(The side of the tent dents in suddenly)  
Q- (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
I- Holy shit...  
Z- The hell was that?  
Sel- Something hit the tent!  
Sq- Oh god...  
R- No... someONE hit the tent!  
Sq- Oh god, oh god, oh, god...  
(The tent dents in again, hitting Squall on the head)  
Sound outside- Whhhooooooooooo!!!  
Sq- Eeeek! It touched me!  
Boco- (jumps) Waaa!  
Q- Oh my god, you're marked!!!  
Sq- Huh?  
Q- If you're marked by the Blair Witch, then you're the next one to die!  
Sq- (Disbelief) Wh... what?!...  
R- I thought you said there WAS no Blair Witch?  
Q- I lied! I don't know! I don't know anything! I don't...  
(The tent collapses)  
All- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
----------------  
  
5 mins later...  
(The gang are running through a wood)  
Q- Okay, just don't look back, okay? We're gonna keep going okay, we're gonna keep going and get outta here okay, and...  
Z- WOULD YOU JUST QUIT SAYING "OKAY"?! EVERYTHING'S NOT OKAY! IT'S 12:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, I'M RUNNING THROUGH A GODDAMN FUCKING WOOD WITH A BUNCHA FUCKING MANIACS AND THERE'S ALL THIS SCARY SHIT HAPPENING, I HAVEN'T HAD A FUCKING HOT-DOG FOR AT LEAST A WEEK,SO DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME IT'S FUCKING OKAY, OKAY?!!!  
Q- Oh, okay then.  
(They keep running)  
R- Oh god, we'd better get outta this wood soon...  
(Summit brushes past Selphie's head)  
Sel- EEEeeeeeeeEEEEeeeee!!!!  
Q- (stops in fear) What? WHAT???  
Sel- Summit brushed past me!  
R- EEp!!!  
Z- Maybe it was the Blair witch flying!!!!  
All- AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
Q- Maybe it was a zombie on float!!!  
All- AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
I- No, actually I think it was my hat.  
Z- AAAAAAAAAA...Whaa?  
I- What? we were running REALLY fast...(Goes to retrieve his hat)  
Sel- Hmp.  
R- Um, guys?  
(All)- Yes...  
R- ... Where's Squall?  
----------------  
  
Sq- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...  
(He's running thru the wood)  
Sq- Oh my god, oh god, oh god...  
(Stumbles over a fallen tree)  
Sq- Oh my god, oh god, oh god...  
(Running onwards, he trips over on a half-deflated inflatable Glacial eye)  
Sq- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
(goes rolling/slides down embankment)  
Sq- F'ing 7 years bad luck!  
(Comes to a stop)  
Sq- uuuuurrrrrr....  
(He goes to get up as summit grabs his shoulder and throws him onto his back- NOT IN A SICK WAY ACE CUS I KNOW Y'RE READING THIS!)  
Sq- (Looks up to see a figure standing over him) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (raises his arm to hide his face) [oh please Hyne, i don't wanna die, there's all this crap I never got to do, like... like... well, I can't think of anything, but please, give me some time to figure it out and... wait a minute... is that...LAUGHING?]  
Squall raised his arm from his eyes, blinking in the blinding light of a flashlight. In the darkness beyond, he can make out the shadow of 3 people...  
"Hah! You scream like a f'ing Thrustaevis on _____!"  
"Ya shoulda seen the look on ur face, y'know! Scared shitless, y'know!"  
"FEAR. AMUSING"  
Sq- SEIFER! YOU F'ING RETARD!  
Seifer- Hah!  
Raijin- Ha-ha, y'know!  
Fujin- HAH. HAH.  
Sq- Shut it! This isn't funny! It's scary! There's a Blair witch out here, and if she catches us, she'll... (realisation dawns on him)  
(The DC piss themselves laughing)  
Sq- Oh hah-ha. Ha-fucking-ha.  
(The DC laugh even more)  
"GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU ***%%£""$£&^%()(&%££"**&)_))%$"%$$^&*%££"%$%^"$  
*^*^*&%*%*%!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
(Rinoa leaps out of the darkness wielding the half-inflated Glacial eye and beats Seifer round the head with it)  
(The DC laugh even harder)  
Rai- Oh man, this is so funny, ya know?!  
Fuj- HUMOUROUS. AFFIRMATIVE.  
Sei- (Too hysterical to reply)  
(The others show up behind Rinoa)  
Q- Seifer! Stop this nonsense this minute!  
Rai- But ta stop stuff that made no sense 'd mean that we'd have to stop this fic, ya know?  
Q- Point.  
Sei- And whatcha gonna do? Send me to the disciplinary room?!  
Fuj- HA!  
I- Um... he's kinda got a point...  
Q- Grrrrr....  
Sei- (raises hands in defence) Now look, I'm a reasonable guy, and if ya want me to stop this I will. So do ya?  
Q- Yes.  
Sei- Really?  
Q- Yes!  
Sei- Really really?  
Q- YES!!!  
Sei- ...well, I changed my mind. So hah.  
Q- gggggggggggRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! (goes for Seifer's throat)  
Sei- EEEEEE!!!  
Sel- Hah, you scream like a girl!  
Fuj- ...AFFIRMATIVE!  
Sei- Hey! C'mon, Fuj!  
Fuj- SORRY. TRUE.  
Rai- Yeah. She's right, ya know, and...  
(A shriek is heard)  
Z- Ah... what was that?...  
Q- Seifer! Quit it!  
Sei- It wasn't me!  
(Another shriek)  
Sel- Come on you guys, this isn't funny...  
Sei- Yeah, Raij, cut it out!  
Rai- Hey, it ain't me, ya know!  
Fuj- NOT. SWEAR.  
(Another shriek, sounding closer)  
Sq- Oh god...  
(The bushes move)  
Mr X- BBRRRRRAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS.........  
All- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
-----------  
  
  
P.S- Mr X is from Resident Evil 2 if u didn't get that. Though I haven't played the game, so I dunno if he's a zombie or whatever. And I don't own Resi either. Ta-da! %) 


	12. Pt 12- 2,4,6,8...!!!

Aloha! Wow, it's been a while huh? I've been sooo busy with UCAS crap and the suchlike that I haven't had any time to write. Eep! Well here it is, HII 12 after 3 months of writers block! Ta-da! Enjoy! As per usual, the characters aren't mine, the location ain't mine and I don't own shit. So there. %)  
  
Hi to all the RP'ers and every1 from "Mogz Final Fantasy" and "Liberi Fatali: Children of Fate " (The Eve's Night)! You know who you are!  
  
Oh, and if anyone's got Morpheus, look for the MP3 of FFVIII answer phone messages by Wingheart Productions. It's hilarious! It had me in fits for days!  
  
Also recommended is FFVII/FFVIII musicals by Sarah the boring (it's on fanfic.net). Cos of it I downloaded Seether, and I was bouncing around the room for a week! %)  
------------------  
Ins 12- 2,4,6,8...!!!  
  
(Early morning. The gang sit huddled in a small cavern @ the base of a cliff, hiding from Mr X and any other mutants and demonic creatures that may be out there (Vampires, Soul Reavers, Rabid Rotwielers, Geri Halliwell- yeah, you get the idea))  
Rai- D'ya think it's gone yet?  
Sel- Dunno. Zell went to look but he never came back...  
Sei- No loss, I never liked him anyway  
Z- Hey!  
Sei- What?  
Z- Hmmp!  
Q- Lets see... (pokes head outside and looks around) I don't see it...  
Fuj- (Looks out next to Quisty) INTERESTING  
I- Where, lemme see (pokes head out next to Quisty)... oh yeah  
Sel- What, what?! (looks out)  
R- This I gotta see...(looks out)  
Sei- Maybe it got bored of you wusses and buggered off (looks out)  
Raj- Finally, ya know?! (looks out)  
Sq- (Still clinging to the inflatable Glacial eye) ...are you sure it's REALLY gone???  
  
-------------  
(Old man looks back @ the cave to see 9 heads and an unidentifiable plastic thing sticking out from behind a rock)  
Man- Buncha weirdos...  
(Leaves)  
-------------  
Q- Think so... There's this old guy giving us a really weird look but...  
...  
...  
...yep, I'm pretty sure it's gone  
  
  
  
Sq- Ekk! (Hides behind the remnants of the Inflatable Glacial Eye)  
Sei- (Holding a large dustbin lid that magically appeared outta nowhere) He-he, gets em every time (high-fives Raijin)  
Sq- ...shithead...  
  
(Sound of "Odeka ke chocobo" in the style of a mobile ringtone is heard)  
  
Z- Goddamn it, who's F**king phone is that!?  
Sei- STOP that, it's ANNOYING.  
Q- Hey, quit self quoting!  
Sei- Whatever.  
Sq- ...huh?  
I- Okay, this's getting weird...  
(Selphie pulls out a yellow mobile phone with pictures of mini-moogles on it)  
Rai- Holy s**t, Ya know?  
Fuj- TACKY. NEW MEANING.  
Sq- What the fuck is that?  
Sel- What, this? It's a little scheme I got involved in...  
(A vortex appears in the sky)  
Q- What the...?  
Sel- I just gotta go and help some people out okay? Just wait here, I'll be back before you know it!(Jumps thru the vortex)  
Q- Not time compression again, I hope...  
Sq- Nah. We went through that, and I never got a mobile outta it.  
I- (whispers to Z) Where the hell does that thing go anyway?  
Z- Back to her home planet, I have no doubt...  
Kuja- What, Terra?! Where?!  
I- Huh?  
Z- ...The hell are you?  
Kuja- ...um... Toto, I don't think we're in Gaia anymore...  
  
Meanwhile, three mental hospitals and an alternate dimension away...  
  
Cloud- Push the goddamn button!!!  
Barrett- I am ya spiky-headed jerk! (BASHES THE SMALL ELECTRIONIC DEVICE IN HIS HAND) Frickin no good piece of $%(*#\£ crap! (throws it across the field)  
Sephiroth- What ARE you doing, you pathetic moron.  
Tifa- Stealing Kuja's lines now, are we! That's Plagerisim!  
Seph-It does not matter, for I will rule you all! Mwa-ha-ha-ha!!! Prepare to die! (Raises Masamune)  
Tifa- Now THAT'S more like it...  
(A vortex appears in the sky, and a familiar brunette jumps out, dressed in a red and yellow cheerleading suit)  
Barrett- Holy £&%*$^!  
Cloud- ...the hell?  
(The girl gets up)  
Sel- Hiya! I'm your inter-sequel battle support!  
Cloud- Finally! We've been paging you for, like, 15 minutes!  
Sel- Hey! That huge comet thing confused me, right? It's not my fault if my "Vortex A-Z" is 19 years out of date!  
Barrett- Damned resource manager!  
Sephiroth- A-HEM! Hel-loo? Trying to kill you over here...  
Cloud- (ignores him) Look, when I signed up for this scheme, I... (notices her costume) uh... why the hell are you dressed like a cheerleader?   
Sel- Cause I'm your battle support!  
Vincent- ...say what?  
Tifa- Aww, geez!  
Barrett- Whaddya gonna do? Pom him to death?  
Sel- Nooo, silly!  
(sings) Shin-left!(clap)  
Shin-right! (clap)  
Shinra! (clap)  
(jumps up and down)  
Whoo-hooo!  
Yeah!  
  
All- (Blinks)  
  
(Red XIII whispers to Sefie)  
Sel- ... oh, right!  
(begins cheering again)  
Avalanche, Avalanche, gooooooooOOOOOOOOOOO AVALANCHE!!!  
(Jumps up and down)  
  
(Sephiroth doubles over laughing his face off)  
Sephiroth- AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Barrett- ... THE HELL?????!!!!!  
Sel- Battle support, right? S-U-P-P-O-R-T! So here I am. Supporting.  
Seph- Its...hehe... so...hehe...funny!!! (bursts into fits of laughter again)  
Cloud- The hell're you laughing at???!!!  
Seph- (Crying cos he's laughing so hard) you...haha....so....hehehaha...pathetic....hehe...  
Cloud- Me?! Pathetic?! NEVER!!! PREPARE TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED, GOLDILOCKS!!!  
Seph- HEY! NO-ONE DISSES THE HAIR! EAT THIS SPIKY!  
(A sword fight begins between the two. Selphie's voice can be heard over the metal clangs)  
Sel- 2,4,6,8,  
Cloud'll kick your ass and no mis-take!  
  
Sephiroth- (Holds up a hand) Hold on, wait a minuite...  
(Cloud stops as Sephiroth heads over and whispers to Sefie who nods)  
  
Sel- Give me a J, Gimme an E, Gimme an N, O, V...  
Cloud- (to Tifa) I knew this Inter-sequel Support thing was a bad idea...  
Tifa- (Nods)  
Sel- He's big (clap), He's hairy (clap), His mom is really scary (clap)...  
Sephiroth- OH, FUCKING HELL!!! Can't you people get ANYTHING right??!  
  
(The swordfight beins again. A variety of gunblades, pinwheels and huge metal claws are thrown into the melee, much o the confusion of the combatants. As the two try to figure out fighting with the weird weapons, Yuffie suddenly jumps out between the two)  
  
  
Yuff- Time out, okay, okay? (Waves her arms wide. Everyone stops. She suddenly stamps her right foot)  
Yuff- I wanna be a cheerleader (pouts)  
Tif- Oh god.  
(Through the vortex is thrown on a suit, which Yuffie puts on as Selphie does her hair into high pigtails. Two pom-poms fly on which Yuffie picks up )  
Yuffie- (To army marching rhythm)  
Sephiroth's a great big dolt,  
Couldn't stand up to a blast of Bolt!  
Shin-ra  
(all) SHIN-RA!  
Su-ucks  
(all) SU-UCKS!  
Tif- that's very good but it needs improvement! (points forwards then flicks her hair behind her shoulder)  
Cloud- Remind me to restrict her Simpson's viewing  
Barrett- (Nods)  
Tifa- Hey!  
  
Sel- Well, my work here appears to be done... Cya! (jumps through the vortex)  
Yuffie- YAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!  
Cid- Alright, that's it! Who The hell fed her sugar??!!  
Red- I thought those M'n'M's looked dodgy...  
Yuff- (Still cheering) Sephiroth's a little thick  
Mainly because he's got no...  
Cloud- ...OKAY ALRIGHT, that's far enough  
Yuff- :( (pouts)  
Vince- Um... this may not be a good time, but... speaking of Sephiroth... where is he?  
(The gang look around. He's gone)  
Barrett- Aw, Hell!!!  
Cid- Back to chasing the black-caped man again, I guess...  
Bar- You only want your lighter back...  
Red XIII- You shouldn't have lent it to him in the first place...  
Cid- Hey! How was I to know he'd torch Nibelhiem with it??!!  
Cloud- ...bastard...  
Cait- Well, Sephy's gone... (wails) AND WE'RE STUCK WITH A CHEERLEADING YUFFIE!!!  
(Yuffie grins evily)  
All- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 


	13. Pt13- The GF's strike back

DISCLAIMER; DON'T OWN IT, SO DON'T SUE IT!  
  
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to my fic, he,he,he! On this day 1 year ago, I started my fanfic.net account and with that my career of writing pointless s**t like this! Yay! And seeing that this was 1 of the first 2 fics I subbed, this makes it the fic's birthday too! (well, not really; I started writing B4 I typed it, but what the hey?!) Wow! I can't believe I've been writing this thing for a year! Creepy, huh? Makes you wonder how much rubbish I can come up with... Aw well, to celebrate the occasion, I thought I'd throw in something different. In true Shipwrecked style...  
-----------------  
****INSANITY EXTRA****  
Disc1- Fire cavern  
  
Garden Faculty guy (who MUST be a robot)- Objective: To obtain a low-level GF. A SeeD member must support. Are you ready?  
Squall- (salutes) I'm ready.  
Faculty unit 7 of 9 of unimatrix annoying- Very well. Good luck.  
(Squall+ Quisty enter. The faculty robots bugger off like the complete wusses they are)  
Quistis- My job is to support you in battle. Everything else is up to you.  
Squall- Fine.  
  
(They carry on. A buel and 2 bombs appear)  
(Squall draws his gunblade and looks over his shoulder)  
Quisty- 2,4,6,8.!  
Squal- WHAT??!!!  
Quisty- We'll kick your ass and no mistake!  
Squall- gha-a-a-a-a... (too busy getting pummelled by monsters to respond...)  
Quisty- -He, he, he...  
  
-----------------  
Okay, now that's over, I'd like to take a little time to clear up a few things...  
  
Big Papa Smurf, what was that about Calistia Flockhart??... refresh my memory, what was that one? I don't remember...  
  
And Storm13, they are both in chapter 8- Kiros was Superman, "Official 2" was Spiderman. Yeah, I was sure I'd got that right. I'll admit, it can get a bit confusing @ times...  
  
Okay, now on with the birthday fic!  
----------------------------------------  
Hm/wk induced insanity 13- The GF's strike back  
  
The gang are sitting around, waiting for her return...  
  
R- Zzzzzzzz  
Sei- ZZZZzzzzzz  
Rai- ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz, ya know  
Fuj- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ  
Z- Zzzzzzzzzzz  
Q- Mental Zzzzz (she wouldn't be caught dead sleeping on the job)  
I- Man, this's sooo boring...  
(Sefie re-appears) Heya!  
Sei- Finally...  
Z- Yeah, what took ya soo long?  
Sel- Geez, I got lost, soor-ry!  
Sei- Hmm... and what's with the getup?  
Sel- Huh? (looks at her clothes. she's still wearing the cheerleader suit) Aw s**T!  
I- He, he, he...  
(Quistis hits him with her Save the Queen. He passes out)  
Rai- Hey! That's the most interesting thing that's happened in the past 3 hours, ya know!  
Sq- whatever...  
Sel- 3 HOURS?!   
Sei- YEAH, YOU WERE GONE FOR AGES  
Sel- No, not 3hours, more like 8. 8 hours!   
Sq- they were asleep.  
Sel- ah. right, I'm gonna go change  
  
(A large monster appears)  
All- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
Z- what the %&^*^ is that?  
Q- It looks familiar...  
Sel- I know, I know! It's the Thingummydody!  
(all look carefully)  
Z- ...Aw yeah!  
Sq- Damned memory loss...  
Thingummydody- RRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWGGGGGGGGGGG!!!  
  
All- EEP!!!!!!  
Kuja- Double EEP!!!!  
Q- It's not mean, just misunderstood....  
  
Sq- Okay...I'm sure the author was going somewhere with this a week ago when she started, but I'm damned if I can remember now...  
(Thingummydody disappears into a black hole)  
Sq- Whatever.  
(Author sits screaming obscenities at self as entire cast and crew go off for a fag break)  
ChocoDragon- Y&*T*"%$%()*&£$)(*)£"£^&)*&$%^*&(*)_)^$$""!!!!!!!!!  
All- Whatever.  
  
Scene continues for a few hours. Seifer and Sephiroth are in a heated debate about the title of Seifer's latest biography, "How to get controlled by a maniac"  
Sephiroth- But there is no way you could possibly have been controlled by a maniac!  
Sei- Wanna bet?  
Sephiroth- Oh come on! Working for evil, knowing that your actions are a part of the sum that will result in mass destruction? Getting revenge on all those mother f***ers who ever dared to defy you? You cannot deny that it wasn't fun!  
Sei- Well, I have to admit...  
Sephiroth- And besides, you NEVER say you were controlled by the maniac, you ARE the maniac!  
Sei- Hell yeah! (Scribbles out the title and changes it to "I'm a maniac and there's nothing any of you goddamn sadass losers can do about it")  
Sephiroth- (Nods in approval)  
  
Squall sits idly in the corner giggling to himself as flips through his triad deck. Finding a card he muttered something, closed his eyes, and the card disintegrated. The others are all falling asleep again...  
I- Don't think I've had this much sleep in ages...  
Vincent- Trust me, it's overrated  
  
  
Suddenly the gang are back on the plains.   
Kuja- Hmm, guess they sorted it out then...  
Zell- You STILL here?!  
Vince- Okay, never said they'd sorted THAT out...  
  
(A large colourful box suddenly appears in front of them. The box explodes and the Thingummydody bursts out.)  
Thingummydody- RRRRAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWGFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! (Making the most of the only thing he ever gets to say)  
Q- ... or that.  
Sephiroth- What...IS...that?  
All (except the newcomers) - A Thingummydody.  
Kuja- Rrrright.... so now what?  
  
Thingummydody- RAWWWGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!  
Sq- Well, it doesn't look like it's going to go away...  
Q- Maybe we have to fight it...  
Zell- hey YEAH!  
Sei- Tsk, Even I could have figured THAT out, ya know!  
Fuj- KNOW (cos she hadn't said anything for a while)  
(The whole group draw their weapons and assume fighting stances. Zell ATB fills up 1st and he runs @ the Thingummydody and hits it... HARD)  
  
----------  
Damage- 0  
----------  
  
Zell- 0.0  
Sei- He, he, he, chicken wuss can't land a hit!  
Kuja- Hehehehehehehehhehehehehehe, now THAT was mean!  
Zell- (Looks pissed)  
  
Seifer takes his turn to hit it. He runs up and slams Hyperion into it's neck.  
  
----------  
Damage- 0  
----------  
  
Seifer- 0.0  
Fujin- 0.0  
Raijin- 0.0, ya know?  
Zell- A-ha, ha,ha, NOW who's the chicken wuss?!  
Sei- Shut it.  
(Zell dances in a circle for victory)  
  
Q- Well, looks like physical attacks aren't going to cut it...  
Sel- GF's it is then! (Accesses junction menu)... WHAT THE...???  
I- What?  
Sel- The GF's! They're...  
I- They're what?  
Sel- WRONG!  
Z- Whadduya mean? (Summons first GF on his list. The group disappear as bolts of lightning surround them and "Sparky" materialises out of thin air. The bird raises an eyebrow (if it even has one) at it's new title before raining all hell on the Thingummydody with lightning then going back to from whence it came)  
  
Sel- See!   
Q- What, let me try (summons forth "Supersplash" who throws a giant tidal wave)  
I- What the...(Reads his own junction menu)... "Twins of Terror", "Guppy", "Stompy"... STOMPY!?  
Q- That's it, who's been at the rename cards?  
Sq- (looks skyward innocently. Fujin kicks him in the leg)  
F- FOR HURRICANO. UH, MEAN PANDEMONA!  
Rai- Yeah, ya know!  
Z- You're just pissed cos you lost her to us.  
Fuj- (Looks mean + kicks Zell in the leg)  
Z- Ouch! That hurt!  
Sei- He, he, he...  
  
Thingummydody- (Casts Flare on Seifer)  
I- NOW who's laughing?  
Sei- ...mummy....  
  
Rin- Magic, huh? Oh no you don't...  
(Raising her hand to her face, the team disappears as the ground washes with eerie gold coloured water. The lone figure sitting on a rock unfolds those freaky feather things on her head. She raises the harp thing to play it...then suddenly stops, eyes wide and mouth wide open in disbelief...)  
  
Mistslut- WHAT THE F***????!!!!  
  
(She gives Squall an evil glare)  
Sq- Uh-oh.  
(Mistslut's... [Mistslut- Don't call me that!] uh, right... Siren's attack continues, but let's just say the Thingummydody wasn't the one that got it's ass kicked)  
  
Squall- Ow....   
  
(Kuja, Sephiroth, Vincent and the Thingummydody all hold up scorecards,   
laughing so hard they're crying.)  
Vincent- 5.9 for vengeance!  
Thingummydody- 6.0! RAAAA-HHHHAAAA-HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!  
Sephiroth- 5.8. The direction was there, but the method sucked.  
Kuja- 6.0 for girl power!  
(all look at him)  
Kuja- What, they're under-represented on this panel!  
Sephiroth- True....  
Thingummydody- RAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAA!!!!  
  
Kuja- (Looks to the others) Uh, I don't know about the rest of you, but I can think of 101 evil deeds I could be doing rather than standing here right now...  
Thingummydody- (nods in agreement)  
Vincent- Well, I dunno about the evil deeds... but I'm all for leaving. Do you think they'd miss us?  
Sephiroth- (looks at the FF8 cast)  
Z- This's for pissing the GF's off! Everyone, ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!  
Sephiroth- No. Given their current actions, I don't think they'd even notice.  
  
(The four of them walk off, leaving the entire cast of FFVIII to follow Mistslut's idea and proceed to bash Squall with everything they've got)  
  
Mistslut- DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!  
---------------------------------  
  
Okay, didn't come out as well as I planned, but what the hey!  
Till next time!  
ChocoDragon %) 


End file.
